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Lawyer see big bucks
in $cooter$

I've always suspected that a secret national society of personal injury lawyers is behind the design of motorized scooters, miniature motorcycles and gas-powered pogo sticks. (I'm not sure if gas-powered pogo sticks are even on the market, but once the personal-injury lawyers read this, they will be.)

What else would explain how these insanely dangerous "toys" end up in stores?

The Consumer Product Safety Commission recently added some fuel to my conspiracy theory by reporting that motorized scooter accidents resulted in 10,000 trips to emergency rooms between July 2003 and June 2004. Do the math. That's 10,000 lawsuits against the companies dumb enough to manufacture the dangerous machines and probably 4,000 or 5,000 lawsuits against emergency room doctors for malpractice. The combined monetary judgments in just motorized scooter lawsuits alone is greater than the gross national product of any three African countries. When you throw in the proceeds from lawsuits related to accidents on those midget motorcycles, the Association of Personal Injury Lawyers could buy Brazil. (They could, but they wouldn't want to assume liability.)

Kids in my neighborhood barrel around on mini motorcycles that aren't any bigger than a Labrador retriever. The kids actually are on the road, dodging cars. You have to assume a few things when you see them doing this: 1) Their parents obviously bought the motorcycles for them; 2) Their parents knew they would be riding them illegally on the street; and 3) Their parents are idiots.

Or maybe their parents are lawyers and are hoping for a big payday down the road, so to speak. That might seem cruel to say, but it isn't any more cruel than letting your kid put his life at risk on bumper-high motorcycles.

IF PERSONAL-INJURY lawyers did not design the minibikes and scooters, who did? Try to imagine the designer pitching his idea to the manufacturer.

Designer: We've got a new item for children, a motorcycle.

Manufacturer: Fantastic! Does it go real fast?

Designer: You bet! But get this, it's only 27 inches high.

Manufacturer: Beautiful. Man, you wouldn't even be able to see that over a car dashboard!

Designer: Or backing up in a parking lot, either! And we won't sell helmets or safety pads with them.

Manufacturer: Great touch!

Designer: And no city will allow them to be driven in parks on sidewalks, so kids will have to ride them illegally on roadways.

Manufacturer: Brilliant! Man, we haven't had a product this dangerous since we started putting gas motors on scooters.

Designer: Yeah, the "pocket" motorcycles will be filling up emergency rooms across the country. And we've got an even more dangerous item in the planning stages.

Manufacturer: Great. What is it?

Designer: Can't tell you everything, but it involves pogo sticks. Gotta to get back to court. My jury's out on that rocket-propelled tricycle case.