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Interview a Slob only
with a sturdy rope

I'd like to apologize to Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for the role I played in setting loose the hounds of publicity hell on them recently.

You see, not long ago, shortly after a head injury put me on powerful painkillers, an angel-winged Diane Sawyer appeared out of a tunnel of light and booked me for an interview. She won a bidding war against Barbara Walters, who had the inside track until she sent me a bouquet of calla lilies (I HATE calla lilies -- I don't know who does her research).

But even in my delirium, I got Sawyer to sign a contract agreeing not to ask embarrassing questions -- in particular, nothing about eighth grade.

She immediately stepped all over that agreement, I threatened to sue, they didn't air my spot and as my drugs wore off I watched as the entertainment media machine then turned its maniacal eyes on easier prey -- Brangelina and TomKat.

So now I'm printing my un-aired interview to further illustrate what we megastars have to put up with. BraTomKatAlina, call me, we'll talk:

(Voiceover: Tonight on PrimeTime Live -- The "Digital Slob" pulls himself from the Web and his Swanson frozen dinner to speak to Diane Sawyer in his recently fumigated, surprisingly roomy, 442-square-foot studio apartment).

Diane: You have a wonderful home, Curt. I'm sorry our camera man has to dangle off your balcony. I hope it's not too distracting for you.

Curt: No, no, it's fine. Is that a bowline knot he's got there? ... That should be good to go.

D: Now Curt, despite a life in the glaring spotlight -- you have more than 16 entries on Google -- you still lead a modest lifestyle. A hot plate instead of a stove, a baseball cap instead of hair plugs. Why?

C: Well, it's all part of my Digital Slob philosophy, Diana.

D: Diane.

C: Right. Technology should only be used to make our lives easier, not more evenly cooked or more in the game during Ladies Night at the bar.

D: Since you brought up romance, rumors are circulating that once, in eighth grade, you actually kissed a girl?

C: (Blushing) Right, like I'm going to talk about that here.

D: But people would be interested to know that a "Digital Slob" such as yourself can still successfully initiate human contact, no matter how rarely or how many years ago. There are even wild rumors out there that you are now ... married?

C: Listen, Dionne ...

D: Diane.

C: Whatever, you're crossing the line now. I think you know you're crossing the line. Look, do you know there are millions of people out there still sitting on 56K dial-up modems, still waiting to download Backstreet Boys off KaZaA? Backstreet Boys, Dinah.

D: Diane ...

C: BACKSTREET BOYS! We're talking about bit rates that have things backed up to 1999. Now don't you think the plight of the broadband-deprived is more important than, oh I dunno, whether I swapped spit with Katherine Muell at Stacy Hawthorne's middle-school graduation after party?

D: Who's Katherine Muell?

C: (Sighing) Someone who should probably fire her publicist. Anyway, put your manners back in, Dierdre.