COURTESY OF CHAPMAN BAEHLER

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The Cold, Hard Truth

Greg Behrendt’s "He’s Just Not That
Into You" is a hit for confirming
women’s worst fear

You are a sexy, smart, independent woman. Your female friends, male friends, cousins, sisters, Dr. Phil, Oprah and any copy of Cosmopolitan or Vogue magazine will tell you that.

Book signing Meet Greg Behrendt, above, the author of "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys": Where: Borders Ward Centre When: 2 p.m. Saturday Admission: Free Call: 591-8996 "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" By Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo (Simon Spotlight Entertainment) $19.95, hardcover

But maybe you're wondering if you should keep the man you've got, the one person who just doesn't seem to get what you're all about. Maybe you're wondering if you should hold on to a so-so relationship, semirelationship or potential relationship because it just might get better. Maybe you're wondering if it's even a relationship.

Your friends might not want to tell you the bad news, but if there's any doubt, move on.

If he calls one day, one week, one month after he said was going to, don't call him. Just move on. He's been very busy with important stuff? Move on. Maybe he needs more time? Not a good sign. Move on, move on, move on.

That simple wake-up call propelled Greg Behrendt to best-selling author status, thanks to his revelatory book, "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys." It's a fun, not-so-serious guide to relationships that often has Oprah Winfrey and her mostly female audiences on their feet shouting "He's just not that into you" as the reason for every male diss or offense against the female gazing at him lovingly across the table.

Call Behrendt a dream crusher or a realist, but he just wants to help. Now in town to promote the book, he would rather rip off a Band-Aid holding a flimsy relationship together than have someone suffer heartache later.

There's no strict code of "The Rules" here. Behrendt won't tell a reader what to do, other than point out obvious signs of disinterest.

"It's not an advice book," said Behrendt. "It's a 'suggestion' book. It was a cute idea, but it's not a fix-it book.

"It's all just about being clear upfront," he said.

A former consultant on "Sex and the City," Behrendt and co-writer Liz Tuccillo, an executive story editor on the show, offer fun, smart advice on how to spot a relationship going nowhere in one slim little book. It's advice Carrie, Miranda and the other well-heeled, apple martini-sipping girls of that HBO hit could have used.

A female writer on the show got an earful of Behrendt's wisdom while searching for some male advice, which formed the basis for "He's Just Not That Into You."

Jennifer Radek, an employee at Borders in Waikele, bought the book for her daughter Amber, 16, saying, "I actually wish that this book was out when I was younger. Girls do stupid things for boys."

Key to "He's Just Not That Into You" is the simple wisdom that women learn to put themselves first because they deserve it.

TO UNDERSTAND male behavior, you have to understand what a coward he is. Behrendt says men often avoid telling women what they need to hear because men don't want to hurt women's feelings.

"Men are very afraid of conflict," said Behrendt. "It's true of me and other men. We are more terrified of hurting someone's feelings than we are getting our hand stuck in the car door. Women are hopeful (so they'll keep hanging on). It's hard for (a guy) to say 'I don't like you.'"

Published last September, "He's Just Not That Into You" remains on the New York Times best-seller list. The book is being turned into a screenplay, and Behrendt and his wife of five years, Amiira, are working on a second book, on surviving break-ups, due in fall.

"Putting yourself out there is hard," he said. "But if certain jobs or a relationship don't work out, it's usually for a reason. Put yourself out there but be smart. Have standards going into dating or relationships so it's easier for you later."

In keeping with the Q&A session style of the book, Behrendt answered a few more questions:

SB: There are so many romantic-advice books on the shelves. Why pick this one out of the pack?

GB: It's really frank. It's more like a couple of friends offering advice. People don't like being told what to do, but they like guidance.

SB: What has the reaction to the book been like? Do women embrace being told what to do, or do they want to kick you in the shins?

GB: No! Ninety percent of the response by women has been fantastic.

SB: What is one thing men and women could do better?

GB: People don't date anymore. Take a couple of months to get to know each other. It's just worth it. That's something the women on ("Sex and the City") did, enjoy dating. But a season doesn't have to be done in the first night of dating.

SB: When a relationship is over, does "let's just be friends" ever really work out?

GB: I wasn't planning to make friends with my wife when I first saw her. We later became friends. (But) friendship was the farthest thing from my mind. And because you aren't intending to be friends in the first place, it can be hard later to go back and try to be friends when that wasn't what you were."