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Study studies to find
why studies suck

A recent study by a major institution of studying things has shown that most studies are a waste of money and that a study should be conducted to figure out how to keep universities from studying things. Or at least it should have.

The fact is there is no clearing house for studies, like a U.S. Department of Silly Studies, that coordinates all the goofy things that are studied by academics whose main claim to fame is that they are able to bamboozle financial grants from government agencies to study stuff that should just be let the hell alone.

And because there is no coordination, each silly study exists in its own universe, and its conclusion has absolutely no reality to, well, reality.

For instance, one study showed that women with breast implants are likely to contract cancer, implying that the implants themselves are responsible. Actually, women who have implants could be doing all kinds of other things that could lead to cancer.

A woman so self-obsessed with the size of her breasts might be equally self-obsessed about her appearance in general to the point that she is bulimic or has been on any number of kooky diets. She might have subjected her body to exotic potions and pills to make her feel and look better. If she can afford to inflate her charms, then she probably has enough money to indulge in all manner of potentially destructive behavior like peroxide dips and artichoke facials (that's gotta hurt). It's her total lifestyle that could lead to cancer, not big boobs.

NOW COMES THE latest stupid study from that vast bastion of stupid studies Harvard University, which proves that kids who drink a lot of milk gain more weight than kids who don't.

The government says that children need to drink two to three glasses of milk a day, which is good for the general health and employment of millions of cows everywhere.

The Harvard study suggests that kids with a weight problem should replace milk with water. And while they are at it, they should replace hamburgers with bread. Or they could just move to the Sudan, where apparently the Harvard idea of nutrition is in full effect.

Of course, kids who drink more than three 8-ounce glasses of milk a day are going to be heavier than those who don't. I went to Aiea High School, not Harvard, and I know that. It's because kids who drink more than three glasses of milk a day have access to more than three glasses of milk a day. That means they probably have access to more of all kinds of foods than kids who don't. And there's a chance they are bullies and gluttons who are stuffing their faces with all kinds of food and maybe even taking food and milk away from skinny kids.

It's like the study that showed that kids who have breakfast do better in school. Yeah, kids who have breakfast live somewhere where BREAKFAST IS SERVED, like a stable home. Along with breakfast, they also probably get lunch, dinner, a bed, a desk and parents who make them study and go to bed early. It's easier to do well in school under those circumstances than if you're living in the back of a car. Breakfast has nothing to do with it. Life in general does.

My personal studies have shown kids who scarf down too much milk -- and burgers and fries -- get fat, kids who eat breakfast at a table at home have a table and a home, and women who have implants float on their backs. Where's my grant?