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Don’t call me for women’s
hormonal info

I'm trying to think of a word that would describe a man stupid enough to publish a book suggesting that women live at the mercy of a 28-day hormonal cycle, that everything from their mood to intelligence to how they shop is determined by their womanly biology.

Wait. I got the word. It's "assassinated."

The contemporary male has learned not to suggest, breathe or even silently contemplate the hypothesis that a female's monthly cycle has anything to do with her moods or actions. In fact, you rarely even hear a man speak of "phases of the moon" within earshot of a woman, a practice that evolved not so much through benign sensitivity as through self-preservation.

Now comes a woman named Gabrielle Lichterman who, apparently because of her accreditation as a card-carrying female, not only alleges that women are controlled by their hormonal cycle, but can use it to predict the future. She calls this nascent science "hormonology."

Instead of reading tea leaves or the stars, Lichterman uses a woman's hormones to see into distant time and direct adherents toward pursuits in line with their delicate internal chemical balance. This is an enterprise that seems so fraught with danger that simply writing about it makes my fingers tremble on the keyboard.

But I was contacted directly by Lichterman's representatives seeking press coverage of her new book, "28 Days: What Your Cycle Reveals About Your Love Life, Moods and Potential."

The press release said, "Dear Mr. Memminger: Any editorial comment or mention that you may give this would be greatly appreciated."

That immediately raised two questions: 1) Do they know I write a humor column? And 2) Shouldn't they at least read me my Miranda Rights?

I'VE FOUND THAT when I'm invited to write about these kinds of things, the results are more greatly reviled than greatly appreciated, and by now I should know better. But here we go.

The basic, which is to say silly, thesis of this book is that it can show "women from 15 to 50 how they can predict their day and plan their life according to their hormone cycle." We are then told it is based on scientific research (I'd like to see THAT laboratory) and is the first book "of a new genre of nonfiction 'chick-lit' books."

Chick-lit books? I suspect that Gloria Steinem didn't write the introduction to this masterpiece.

According to the author, virtually every aspect of a woman's day, "including her mood, brain skills, relationship, libido, spending habits, career, diet, energy and health" is influenced by estrogen, testosterone and progesterone. (Unlike a man, whose daily activities are influenced by footballerone, naptrogen and beerestrone.)

"Since a woman's hormones repeat the same pattern every cycle, the hormonal influences she feels every day can be easily predicted," Lichterman writes.

Put aside for the moment that if this patent nonsense were true, there'd be world peace. I have to go back to the observation that if a man suggested anything along this line to, say, his wife, he'd suddenly be missing a few parts of his body, some of his most favorite.

The author goes on to say that by using "hormonology" women can pick the perfect day to "schedule just about everything, such as asking for a raise, planning their wedding, launching a wedding or making an important purchase." She doesn't say what happens if the homonologist doesn't get the raise -- like, is the important purchase a firearm?

On advice of counsel, I won't get into an actual day-by-day hormonology forecast as presented by Lichterman. I'll simply report that it made me quiver in fear.

The book "28 Days" has just been released. So, fellas, if you are looking for a present for your wife, girlfriend, mother-in-law or female boss on some special occasion, I highly recommend you buy them a fifth of Jack Daniels and a Mercedes-Benz SL55 convertible. And remember, if they in any way mention this book, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you and, well, you know the rest.