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Retiring early, how
about eternally?

Three recent news items suggest Digital Slobs are well on our way to attaining our ultimate goal: Staying young forever in a paperless society while mooching off our parents in an assisted-living facility.

First, science is racing us toward immortality like there's no tomorrow. In March, tech writer Paul Boutin wrote an article for slate.com profiling Aubrey de Grey, a biologist who believes we're within striking distance of getting a restraining order against the Grim Reaper. Judging by the length of de Grey's beard, it would seem he also believes the biggest threat to his own life is a nick from a razor.

Regardless, if he's right, Slobs will finally have enough time to watch both "Supernanny" and "Nanny 911," "Oprah" and "Oprah After the Show." We can even wait for Dave Chappelle's return to TV -- no matter how long it takes.

But immortality might not arrive in time to save the print media, which brings me to ...

Second, the New York Times reported recently that newspaper circulation continues to fall nationwide, down 1.9 percent daily and 2.5 percent on Sundays from a year ago.

The demographics are complicated, but basically every birth announcement is good news for Sony Playstation, and every obituary is bad news for the New York Times, unless they figure out how to turn their crossword puzzle into a first-person shooter.

Of course, the death of the printing press has been inaccurately predicted ever since Gutenberg got the flu in 1462. But since we'll be immortal, we'll live to read about it one day, likely scrolling on a newsticker as we play "Grand Theft Auto: Mars Autobahn."

Don't blame young people for not caring about the (non-Britney Spears related) news. They never did. But young people who don't read newspapers are becoming unyoung people who don't read newspapers -- because they think they're still young -- even if they're letting Mom and Dad pick up the check for their Early Bird Special at the Silver Lakes Retirement Villa. Which brings me to ...

Third, the Times also reported last week on a new trend: Very grown children are retreating from the real world not to their childhood homes, but to Mom and Dad's retirement communities, sheltering themselves from an avalanche of post-college credit debt while forcing their parents to sniff around the bulletin board for a fourth for shuffleboard.

All three stories point to one thing: As science extends our life, we're extending our childhoods, avoiding rites of passage like marriage, mortgages and the CBS fall lineup.

By the time my dad was my age, he'd had three of his four kids and committed at least five of the Seven Deadly Sins -- I've got no kids, and I'm still stuck on Sloth.

Call it what you want ("re-nesting" or, perhaps during the holidays, "The Graying of the Kiddie Table"), parents can blame themselves if they're having to sleep in the overcrowded bed they made.

After all, if they're going to pick the Social Security buffet clean, you can hardly blame their kids for scrounging what they can off their plates while there's still time.

But obviously, it also looks like Slobs will still have a lot of growing up to do, even after all our wishes come true.

Forever might be just enough time.