Alo-Ha! Friday
Charles Memminger

‘Star Wars’ AloHa!
is not for sithies

I'm as creative and complex as Yoda, as self-disciplined as Adm. Ackbar, as fun-loving as Lando Calrissian and only half as evil as Darth Vader.

I learned that by taking a specially designed "Star Wars" personality test you can find on the Internet at www.outofservice.com/starwars.

You just answer 47 questions and through some magic "Star Wars" technology your personality is compared to the major characters in the film series. Because most people live in a world of self delusion, you'll be surprised at how well you will do. The trick is to not let someone else answer the questions for you. Then instead of coming out looking like a star warrior, you'll discover your attention span is shorter than Yoda, you're as charming as Darth Vader, attractive as Adm. Ackbar and either as macho as Princess Leia or as feminine as R2D2.

To continue with this special "Star Wars: Episode III" edition of AloHa! Friday (where some men are Siths and the rest big Sithies) here now is the news ...

No dearth of Darths

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. (AP) » A man in a Darth Vader helmet attending the new "Star Wars" movie pushed an employee away from a cash register and made off with an unknown amount of cash. The evil Dark Lord-wannabe ran into some woods and got away.

Meanwhile, another Darth Vader imitator robbed a pizza delivery man in Kissimmee, Fla., after zapping the poor guy with a stun gun.

(Until this madness passes, we suggest you don't do any business at ATMs if a person in a large, black plastic helmet is next in line.)

And now: Darth Flasher

SEREMBAN, Malaysia (AP) » Two women factory workers in Bandar Baru Nilai were appalled and screamed when a man in full Darth Vader costume flashed his private parts at them.

The women said the man got out of a car and strutted menacingly around before suddenly revealing himself.

(All remarks involving the term "lightsaber" will be avoided at this point.)

No dearth of idiots

HERTFORDSHIRE, England (BBC) » Two "Star Wars" fans were critically injured after fighting a lightsaber duel using fluorescent light tubes filled with gasoline.

(Ah, evolution at work again, weeding out the gene pool.)

Honolulu Lite on Sunday

A mainland man was busted for trying to sell on the Internet a 200-year-old native Hawaiian skull he found on a Maui beach. Doesn't anyone hunt for puka shells anymore?

Quote Me On This (Battle of the Sexes Department):

"When a woman becomes a scholar, there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: bachelors and husbands." -- Jacques Languirand

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

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