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Visitors from China
bowl over isles

According to recently released figures, China is the fastest growing tourist market in Hawaii, raising the question: Why would a Chinese guy come all the way to Hawaii to buy an aloha shirt for $55 that was made in China for 47 cents?

There were 34,172 Chinese visitors to the islands last year. That may seem like a lot until you look at it in terms of the Population/Martini Cocktail Method of Tourism Analysis which states that 34,172 Chinese compared to the entire population of China is like a drop of vermouth into Diamond Head crater filled with gin.

Putting aside for the moment the very good idea of turning Diamond Head into an enormous martini, the facts about Chinese are: 1) There are a whole bunch of them 2) They are getting richer every day and 3) Taking their money should become Hawaii's biggest priority. The number of Chinese tourists in Hawaii almost doubled in the past year. If that trend continues for 10 years, nearly 70 million Chinese will visit the islands each year, making everyone here fabulously wealthy, which we will be able to enjoy from our vantage point in Las Vegas because there won't be any room on the islands for us.

The only things the Chinese won't be buying in Hawaii are movies on DVD since counterfeiting movies makes up 30 percent of China's gross, and I mean gross, national product.

TO BE FAIR, the number of Australian visitors also has increased nearly 50 percent, but there are so few people living in Australia that they keep sending the same people to Hawaii several times a year. Besides, the Australians aren't the greatest shoppers around, choosing generally to sit at outdoor bars chugging Fosters and saying "good'ay mate" and "good on ya" to passing Chinese.

The sheer volume of visiting Chinese in the future is going to change the tourist industry completely. Forget light rail transit, with millions of Chinese coming we'll need moving sidewalks and escalators from the airport to Waikiki. Don Ho will have to learn to sing "Tiny Bubbles" in Mandarin. Germaine's Luau soon will take up all of Ewa, Barbers Point and most of Nanakuli. A kalua pig shortage is a real possibility. And we'll have to out-source poi production to the future world center of Hawaiian taro growing: Hunan province.