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New telephone book
wins a split decision

Good news for hernia sufferers: The new Hawaiian Telcom (nee Verizon Hawaii) telephone book will be two books again.

Last year's experiment in releasing a single phone book weighing approximately 487 pounds that combined the white and yellow pages surprisingly won't be repeated. A survey showed that 68 percent of consumers thought the Verizon directory was "too heavy," 43 percent thought it was responsible for an increased tilt of the planet and 12 percent thought it created its own gravity. (Percentages may vary depending on whether you lift with your knees or back.)

And now the news ...

It's too late to change

CARDIFF, U.K. (AP) » A Cardiff University professor has come up with a formula that shows May 18 is the best day to change your life.

Dr. Cliff Arnall, known for discovering that Jan. 24 is the most depressing day of the year, says May 18 is the perfect day to make new resolutions. His formula involves hours of daylight, bank holidays, reflection time and opportunity.

(In other words, Wednesday was the first day of the rest of your life and you blew it.)

Talk or the bird gets it

NEW DELHI (AP) » Prison authorities were accused of killing nearly 100 pigeons to force a murder suspect to confess.

Chandraveer Chaudhary, who has spent two years in prison for murder, feeds about 400 pigeons a day.

To get Chaudhary to confess to the recent murder of an inmate, guards began breaking the necks of his birds.

(Remarkably, though he didn't confess, Chaudhary learned a valuable lesson on the sanctity of life and compassion for all of God's creatures.)

Betting over your head

HONG KONG (AP) » An underwater casino with 450 gaming tables and 3,000 slot machines is planned for the gambling mecca of Macau. Developers say the casino will be "surrounded by water and marine life."

(And feature games like "Texas Hold 'em Breath," "Barracuda Baccarat" and "Seven Cod Stud."

Honolulu Lite on Sunday

I cornered one of the most elusive creatures in the entire writing world, a seldom-seen rare bird that makes Hawaii his habitat: author Paul Theroux. In Sunday's special Honolulu Lite Extra you'll find out what lies beneath that intellectual gruff exterior (hint: an intellectual gruff interior) and learn how to pronounce his name.

Quote me on this (statistically speaking department):
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." -- Fletcher Knebel
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses a lamppost -- more for support than illumination." -- Andrew Lang
"In ancient times, they had not statistics to fall back on, so they had to fall back on lies." -- Stephen Leacock