Real life is readily found
among the classified ads

You see a "for sale" ad that says, "Diamond engagement ring. Cheap. Never worn," and you know that some poor guy had his heart shot down from 10,000 feet. Or an ad appears shortly after New Year's offering to sell an exercise bike, universal gym and a set of free weights. That means someone's yearly resolution to take off those nasty pounds and finally get in shape has been dashed again.

"Business for sale" ads can be particularly poignant. An ad saying "Canadian Food Lunch Wagon for Sale" rips your heart out because you know someone's ill-conceived dream for making millions has gone down in flames and that someone is left with a lot of white bread and mayonnaise. (Why aren't there any Canadian-food restaurants in Hawaii?)

There are also hopeful classified ads: "Wanted: Baby crib, stroller, bottle-thingies and whatever else you are supposed to have to raise a kid" reeks the joy (and confusion) of impending fatherhood.

Selling stuff by classifieds has always been a little dicey. You need to make sure that your advertisement isn't going to cost more than you bring in for what you are selling.

Now here's where we get into the shameless promotion of one of my favorite parts of the classifieds: The "Bargain Corner" in this newspaper, where you can get a free "for sale" ad for anything you are selling under 100 bucks.

When you think about it, hardly anything in your house is worth more than a hundred bucks, including your dog. (A guy once tried to sell me a "guard dog" for $600. I pointed out that the guard dog would be worth more than anything I own that he'd be guarding.)

Anyway, I was looking through the "Bargain Corner" recently and discovered that you could furnish an entire home for less than $1,000. Here's a list of some actual household items posted for sale in the "Bargain Corner" of this paper:

Queen-size bed ($99), five-shelf bookcase ($25), ceiling fan ($65), eight solid wood chairs ($96), mahogany coffee table ($40), hide-a-bed couch ($60), twin daybeds ($60), five-drawer dresser ($85), Maytag washing machine ($65), Kenmore dryer ($60), microwave oven ($38), recliner chair ($25), rocker recliner ($80), electric skillet ($10), table lamp ($10), toaster oven ($15), 20-inch flat-screen TV ($85) and VCR ($30).

You get all that for only $948! Sure, some of the stuff is going to be utter crapola; you can always negotiate the price of the real junk down even more.

For less than $1,000 you've furnished your home with places to sleep, eat, sit and enjoy entertainment, plus picked up appliances to do your laundry and cook with. And for $99 more, you could even pick up a "porcelain convenience" for thinking deep thoughts in the morning.

And if you have any money left, you could buy a few of those items that make life just a little more enjoyable: Austrian beer mug ($10), long muumuu in beautiful condition ($10), fishing gaff ($40), spring-loaded trap shooter ($40), 12-piece woodcarving tools ($60) and an 11-by-14-inch brand-new picture of Pope John Paul ($99). There! Your Saturday night fun is all taken care of!

So, if you are looking for some cheap entertainment, read the classifieds. It's real life in less space than a haiku. And if you are looking to buy or unload cheap, I mean, economical goods, go to the "Bargain Corner" of this very newspaper.