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Bad news for
a great movie

A few days ago, I settled in to watch the 1976 classic "The Bad News Bears." For a couple of reasons. First, you can buy it on DVD now for about $4.88.

Second, they're about to ruin it. And I wanted one last look.

It's true. They've made a remake (in theaters July 22). Why do people do this? It was great! It's too soon! Why mess with perfection?

Worst of all it stars Billy Bob Thornton in the Walter Matthau role. Now, Billy Bob is a brilliant actor, but I fear his involvement will somehow forever change how we feel about something we've held dear to our hearts.

You know, like with Angelina Jolie.

Some movies cry out for a remake. This is not one of them. This one still stands up.

Doesn't it?

It turns out, yes, it does. Let's take one last look.

It opens with a scene of sprinklers sh-sh-sh-ing on the grass, the first sign of a great movie (see "Caddyshack"). Then it gets into it quickly: Matthau, a wreck. He takes over the movie immediately. "You forgot to sign the check," he says. "The check is not signed."

The look on his face as he meets the league's adults. That's acting. His eyes say it all: "These people are morons. It's a good thing I'm half bombed."

This is a minute and a half into the movie. You can already tell this one will be different.

How can any industry exec think you could match Matthau? Why even try? You can't touch him. This is a master at the height of his powers.

How could you possibly strike out Ted Williams? the kids ask.

"Screwball," Buttermaker says.

How come you never made it to the major leagues?

"Contract disputes," he says.

No, Matthau is on another level here. He drinks Budweiser, Miller, Schlitz, Pabst and, in the championship game, Coors. He shows the first sign of a heart, with a touching up-a-tree chat with Ahmad. "Didn't I let you hang out with me when I cleaned pools?" he asks Amanda.

We're never really sure about his name. He's called Buttermaker, Boilermaker, Butterworth and, by Tanner, after a loss, "Buttercrud."

Tanner. One of the great characters in American cinema. Yes, the kids are clichˇs, but somehow more believable ones than any that have come since. This is no "Mighty Ducks." Go to the new movie's Web site (www.badnewsbearsmovie.com) and look at the team. It screams Hollywood kid flick.

That's what worries me. This new movie is going to scream, it's going to hit us over the head with how outrageous and funny it is. Ooh! He takes the kids to Hooters! Zoinks! The team is sponsored by a strip club and a bunch of buxom young ladies cheer for them at the games! Yikes! Billy Bob makes a Helen Keller joke!

It looks like there is even a love interest, for crying out loud.

The original didn't scream. It snuck up on us. It didn't say THIS IS A HILARIOUS MOMENT. It was brilliantly subtle. It was subtle right up until the moment it knocked us over.

Chico's Bail Bonds? It showed us once, and nobody said a word. Didn't have to. We got it.

Now that's how it's done.

Yeah, you can find a fat kid and a spunky girl and a punk on a dirt bike. But the original cast had a realness to it. The lady who played the league president, for example. She was perfect.

So you believed it when they played to the stereotypes. When they burst in on Amanda's ballet class to tell the girl pitcher that the Bears were alone in second place. And Engelberg walks in with a bucket of fried chicken and Kelly Leak hits on a 20-something dancer by telling her "I'm hitting .841."

And when the team got into a bench-clearing brawl -- with itself -- before the big game, we went with it instead of rolling our eyes.

There was no love interest in the original. That was the point. It was funny because it was real. It was real because it was bittersweet and a little disturbing, too.

There was Buttermaker cruelly telling Amanda he didn't want to date her mom, he didn't want to be her father figure. Cut to the two of them crying, separate and alone. The bad-guy dad manager of the evil Yankees slapping his own son, who subsequently has the kind of emotional meltdown we always knew we'd see someday on a Little League field.

You don't mess with that. I don't know why anyone would try, but they always do. Do me a favor and watch the first one, before it's too late.

You have to think "Casablanca" may be next.