Honolulu Lite
Charles Memminger

Blond babe boycotts
(KFC) breasts

LOS ANGELES (The Inquiring Tattler) » Blond babe actress Pamela Anderson is boycotting breasts, at least those cooked up by the fast-food giant formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken. She's also boycotting legs, thighs, backs, nuggets, wings and any other chicken parts submerged into a deep fryer by KFC.

The famous actress, known more for stuffing a bikini than telling a company to stuff it, has long been threatening to boycott KFC, but because of successive "blonde moments" kept forgetting what it was she was going to boycott. She briefly and mistakenly boycotted the KGB until she learned that the disbanded Soviet secret police organization had little to do with frying chicken. Not to mention her lawyer told her she faced possible legal action by PETOFRS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Former Russian Spies).

Anderson then mistakenly fronted for PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Anchovies), a little-known anchovy-rights group headed by Taiwanese anchovy fisherman Wilbur Woo, who said, "If anyone knows about 'fronts,' it's Ms. Anderson. She can front for me any time, if you catch my driftnet."

Led by a team of Sherpas, three International Blonde Assistance dogs and a Global Positioning Satellite team from NASA, Anderson eventually found the headquarters of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, where she mysteriously offered her assistance in an immediate boycott of the Kentucky Fettuccine Council. Anderson said it was about time that someone spoke up for the endangered fettuccine. She vowed never again to wear a coat made from abused fettuccines.

PETA officials gently pointed out that that fettuccine is a type of pasta, not an animal. Anderson countered that she wouldn't wear a coat made from pasta, either.

Sensing her great public appeal, PETA urged Anderson to boycott KFC, the fried-chicken restaurant accused of being cruel to chickens before they are slaughtered, cut into pieces and plunged in hot oil.

PETA officials asked Anderson to shoot a video for the KFC boycott, but Anderson reportedly said, "Shucks, why don't we use the video already on the Internet? I'm in it with Tommy Lee, and I'm pretty sure there's a chicken in there somewhere."

The PETA people said they preferred to show a video of chickens being abused, to which Anderson replied, "Trust me, that chicken didn't get out of there alive."

Pamela Anderson's boycott of KFC got off to a rocky start when it was learned she had never actually eaten at a KFC in her life. In fact, for the past 10 years, she has been subsisting on spring water, collagen injections and "tiny bites of dietary oxygen."

Additionally, a plea to her fans to boycott KFC backfired when she learned that her typical fan is a 52-year-old ex-convict from Alabama named Billy Bob Leroy Bubba Hoss Whitey who eats at KFC an average of seven times a day.

"Quit eatin' at KFC? Why, I'd rather skin a dead mule with a rusty pocketknife," said Billy Bob Leroy Bubba Hoss Whitey. "Actually, I'd rather skin a dead mule than just about anything, so I guess that doesn't count."

Anderson's announced boycott caused shares of KFC to remain almost completely motionless on the New York Stock Exchange.

A KFC spokesman said, "A Pamela Anderson boycott we can handle. We just thank God it wasn't Kirstie Alley. That would have killed us."

Charles Memminger, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

E-mail to Features Desk


© Honolulu Star-Bulletin -- https://archives.starbulletin.com