It’s hard to get ahead
of finger story

At the risk of sounding like a know-it-all. Wait. Make that, at the CERTAINTY of sounding like a know-it-all, it was only a few hours after I wrote that sentence for Sunday's Honolulu Lite that the woman I dubbed "Lady Finger" was arrested for attempted grand larceny.

Alarm bells went off for me when Anna Ayala, who had drawn the Royal Flush of civil lawsuit claims -- a severed finger in a fast-food bowl of chili! -- suddenly decided not to sue. Not to sue under those circumstances was not only un-American, it was an insult to every self-respecting, hard-working, deposition-taking, ambulance-chasing tort lawyer in the country.

The column was written a few days before publication so that by the time it was in the paper, events had already bypassed it. Anna Ayala was arrested, accused of a hoax that has caused Wendy's not only to lose of thousands of dollars in revenue but to accumulate a formidable amount of unsold chili. That has likely caused a glut on the world chili market and necessitated an emergency meeting of the Organization of Chili Exporting Countries (OCEC).

WHILE LADY FINGER waits for her day in court, Court TV is probably crossing its fingers, hoping that the trial takes place in a jurisdiction that allows cameras in the courtroom. The Michael Jackson trial should just be winding down when Lady Finger stands in the dock, facing not only serious charges but every finger-related cliché and metaphor known to man. Viewers will want to see every nail-biting moment.

Hopefully, by the time the trial begins authorities will have figured out where the severed finger came from. Personally, I would question David Lawrence Beale, a California morgue assistant sentenced to jail just last week for stealing body parts from a medical school so he could practice dissections at home.

It's hard to believe there can be that many people hoarding body parts, even in California.