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Cops can’t put finger
on chili victim

Let me make something clear. If I were eating a bowl of chili at Wendy's restaurant and found a severed human finger in my chili, I would freakin' OWN Wendy's. It wouldn't even be Wendy's anymore. It would be Charley's. It doesn't matter where I was eating. If a severed human body part ended up in any part of my meal, I would own that place. McDonald's? Charley's. Jack in the Box? Charley in the Box. KFC? CFC.

So why do you suppose that the San Jose, Calif., woman who claims to have found a finger in her Wendy's chili grandly states she will not sue Wendy's? At first blush you might feel like congratulating her for not following the cliché legal course everyone who's suffered the slightest pain or embarrassment at a fast-food outlet takes, whether they have spilled hot coffee in their lap or poked a french fry into their eyeball. It would seem like one of those "Man Bites Dog" stories you seldom see in the papers. "Woman Finds Finger in Chili; Won't Sue."

But on second blush, or maybe third, you start thinking hey ... what's going on here? She's drawn the Royal Flush of tort claims against a fast-food restaurant and she's not going to sue? The only thing that would be better, from a plaintiff's point of view, would be if her child found a severed head in her Happy Meal.

You start thinking maybe this lady had something to do with that finger getting into her chili and the whole thing was a shake-down scam.

But what kind of person would deliberately ruin a bowl of delicious Wendy's chili with a human digit?

ALAS, THERE ARE people like that out there. There was a case in which a guy found a mouse in a can of soda he was drinking. After the soda maker clearly showed that it would be virtually impossible for a mouse to get in a can that was moving 180 miles an hour on a production line, the plaintiff admitted that he had actually jammed the little fella into the can himself.

There must be a law against jamming a mouse into a soda can, something along the line of the Anti-Canned Rodent Act. I don't know what happened to the perpetrator of that outrage. I hope the mouse had a lawyer.

It turns out that Lady Finger from San Jose has a history of making legal claims against corporations. According to news wire services, she even collected a settlement after claiming her daughter got sick while eating at a Las Vegas restaurant. The story didn't say if a severed head was involved.

Reports say that investigators are looking into a curious connection between Lady Finger and the owner of several exotic animals in Nevada who lost one of her fingers in a leopard attack. Face it, there can't be too many severed fingers lying around waiting to be used in a contaminated food dodge. Maybe Lady Finger found out about Lady Leopard, called her and said something like, "Hey, if you aren't going to be using that finger, can I have it?"

The most mysterious thing about the finger food incident is that authorities still don't know where the finger came from. You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to realize that someone out there is sporting only nine digits. The Wendy's organization has taken a finger count of all its people and all of its suppliers can still play the piano with both hands.

Police are seeking all the tips -- presumably not of the finger variety -- they can, to solve the case.