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Voyage put the wind
back in my sails

Last Sunday when I arrived home from Papeete, Tahiti, I didn't kiss the ground at Honolulu Airport, but I did kiss my friends and family members.

Ten of those dear people buried me in flowers and then drove me to a brunch party where they made me queen for a day.

The next evening, my writers group of eight women welcomed me home with another party. Again, I was laden with leis and basking in the praise of my achievement.

I should sail to Tahiti more often, I thought. And in fact, I will. I've left the boat in Raiatea and will return to sail French Polynesia and beyond. I'm not sure when I'll go, or with whom, but having the boat there is exciting, challenging and promises great adventure.

I needed that. Although I enjoy sailing around looking for marine animals, this voyage was about more than that. It's been my head-on charge at the midlife blues.

My doldrums began two years ago when it became clear to me that the novel I've been working on for ages was junk. No matter how many times I rewrote it, I finally realized it would never be good. Suddenly I couldn't work on my book anymore, and in losing that, I lost a dream.

Around the same time, my partner of 25 years, already busy with a successful career, began competing in triathlons, marathons and long-distance bicycle events. Craig made new friends during these athletic pursuits and spent much of his free time training.

I felt lacking and lonely, not the best state of mind to receive the news that long-term estrogen replacement therapy is harmful to women. I once joked that you'd have to pry my hormones from my cold dead hands, but now it was no joke. These drugs were killing me. I went cold turkey.

For months afterward I sweat alone in the dark, brooding about aging, arthritis and my failure as a writer and partner. I was growing pathetic.

I had to do something.

Craig, a mechanically inclined former Olympic-class sailor, didn't object when I told him of my plan to sail to Palmyra. All he said, not unkindly, was, "It's not as easy as I make it look."

"I think I can do it," I said.

"Then go for it."

The boat became my passion. Refitting, repairing and sailing were hard tasks for me, but with help, I finally got Honu safely anchored in Palmyra's lagoon.

During my stay there, I decided, with Craig's wholehearted support, to put all that work, money and new captaining experience to good use and keep on going.

"Weren't you scared?" people ask me often since my return.

At first, yes. But the more I learned, the more confident I became and the less fearful I felt. I now know, for instance, that I'm not strong enough for some of the heavier boat jobs. But that's OK. I have plenty of fine, strapping volunteers.

I look forward to my next voyage, but right now I'm extremely happy being home in Hawaii with my family and friends.

Besides, I have work to do. I've started a new novel, based on a true story. I'm calling it "The Captain and Her Cabin Boys."