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Air cleaner ads are
polluting the airwaves

Since a few of you cynical readers think I would attempt to hoodwink you on April Fool's Day, I point out that the following report is almost completely true:

The makers of the Ionic Breeze air purifiers, whose ubiquitous commercials pollute the television airwaves to a frightening extent, are coming out with a companion product. If you have miraculously missed one of these odious commercials, the Ionic Breeze is a plastic electric tower that allegedly traps airborne contaminants on collection blades that can then be wiped clean. Ionic Breezes are essentially useless in Hawaii because most homes are open to the outside air and real breezes. Sharper Image sells the things for a mere $329.95.

They've been so successful that the manufacturer is coming out with a new model called the "Ironic Breeze." The Ironic Breeze air purifier actually blows dust, pollen and dander into your home. When you call to complain about an air cleaner that actually dirties the air, a company spokesman says, "Ironic, isn't it?"

Now the news ...

No tiger in this tank

SLIDELL, La. (AP) » A reliable family car suddenly developed a tendency to decelerate, leading to the discovery that it had been driven for years with $40,000 worth of cocaine stashed in the gas tank.

A suburban New Orleans family bought the 1996 Toyota Camry from a used car lot in 1997. Police said the family was not involved in drug trafficking and withheld their names in case owners of the stash came looking for them.

(Well, that would explain what that dead guy was doing in the trunk," the relieved family said.)

Potty-mouth busted

TORONTO (CP) » An allegedly drunk driver with a taste for trickery failed to foil a police breathalyzer machine after stuffing his mouth full of feces.

The 59-year-old driver was being transported to the police station for testing when he vomited, urinated and defecated in the squad car. He then put some of his own waste into his mouth in an attempt to beat the breathalyzer. It didn't work. The machine showed he had more than twice the legal blood alcohol limit.

"I don't think alcohol alone would make you do something as disgusting as that," said police Inspector Tom McDonald.

(Well, not a LITTLE alcohol.)

Race was for the birds

MELBOURNE, Australia (AP) » Five jockeys tumbled from their mounts and a race declared void after a flock of sea gulls flew into a dozen horses at the Sandown raceway.

The jockeys were on the home stretch when the sea gulls flew into the horses, causing many to toss their riders.

(Interviewed later, a sea gull said, "Man, that was sooo cool. We always wanted to do that.")

Honolulu Lite on Sunday

Thirteen percent of people do WHAT to their computer when it crashes?

Quote Me On This

"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind -- every part of this capsule was supplied by the lowest bidder." -- John Glenn