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Reality TV is enough
to tax any twosome

It was tempting to audition for "The Amazing Race" over the weekend. I don't know how much money the winners get, but for someone with wanderlust the prize is incidental to the experience of zipping around the world in a matter of days.

I'm sure I would have loved it, even if it meant embarrassing moments that would highlight my lack of strength, fear of heights, and other physical limitations and aversions. Simply put, I'm a wimp, and such a competition would truly be a test of mind over matter.

Reality TV, like any good drama, is all about conflict, and the formula for all these shows is the same: Throw mismatched souls into high-stress situations and watch what happens, and I said "would have" earlier because entering is not really an option if I want to keep my relationship intact.

"The Amazing Race" is full of "couples" of all make -- gays, marrieds, singles, friends, siblings -- who supposedly love each other, but that doesn't stop them from the bitter fights and finger pointing that are a natural result of getting lost and being last.

"The Amazing Race" has got to be a boon to marriage counselors. All they have to do is screen an episode and their job is done, because the message that comes across is, "Look, all couples fight, and at least you're better off than these guys."

How comforting to know that we're normal, because my S.O. and I would look like gold to any producer. Beyond the physical differences of the tall haole/short Asian phenomenon, we're opposites in temperament. (I'm the good-natured one.) And while he's a night owl who needs at least five cups of coffee just to get out the door, I'm the wake-and-run sort. No fuel necessary.

THE BOYFRIEND has never seen the show, but I explained it to him, particularly the tasks that only one person is supposed to perform. Those are sometimes called roadblocks in the show but represent a breaking point for the couples because invariably, someone is unable to perform up to par -- whether making adobe bricks or steering a horse through an obstacle course -- and the person on the sidelines is yelling at the person to try harder because they're getting beat. It's hard enough to complete the task without someone yelling at you, increasing the frustration level.

I didn't have to explain much before he simply said, "Oh! If you said anything I would just kill you and leave you behind."

Well, I couldn't blame him. I can get seasick in standing water, I've been piggybacked out of the mountains after losing a shoe while attempting to catch o'opu in a mountain stream, I've been dragged behind a boat in the name of water skiing, and once made a flying leap from a ski lift because, when a former beau told me to plant my skis and slide down a landing slope, he did just that, and I kept going on. ... At least I've been game enough to try tasks that are beyond my comfort level. That's half the battle.

But I'm also the one who'd be the drill sergeant, reading the maps, making sure we were up bright and early and on our way, no excuses, no potty breaks, no need for food.

So for the sake of having something to come home to, I guess I'll have to settle for seeing the world the slow way, one vacation at a time.

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