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Bring back good old days
of just bribery

Here's a way to cut down on the problem of illegal campaign contributions: Get rid of campaign spending laws and bring back good old-fashioned, straight-forward bribery.

It's not as dumb as it sounds. In the old days, politicians had a "bagman," whose job it was to collect bribes. People caught for bribery went to jail. And so bribers started making "campaign contributions." Then we passed laws against illegal campaign contributions. The few people convicted of that get slaps on the wrists. Now the state Attorney General and City Prosecutor want to beef up bribery laws. That's good. But get rid of campaign spending laws and prosecute everyone who illegally gives money to a candidate for bribery and send 'em away for 20 years. Any politician wily enough to get away with taking bribes deserves any office he can buy.

Now the news ...

Outdrawing a monster

PHILADELPHIA (AP) » A concerned mother has figured out how to get rid of the imaginary monster under her child's bed and make money at the same time: Sell the creature on eBay.

Kathleen Tait had her daughter draw a picture of the "monster" and is selling the image on the online auction site. So far, the bidding is up to $2.25.

(If this works, Mom plans to have the kid draw a picture of Dad and see if she can get rid of him, too.)

Man plays dead mom

ISTANBUL, Turkey (AP) » Police have detained a man who buried his dead mother in his basement and disguised himself as her to draw her retirement pension.

Serafettin Gencel, 47, was arrested after bank employees became suspicious at hearing Gencel's voice when he tried to pick up the check. He was wearing a woman's overcoat, headscarf and stockings.

(Another giveaway for the tellers is that he was wearing the headscarf on his legs and the stockings over his head.)

Bowling makes scents

MILWAUKEE (AP) » Odors associated with bowling traditionally include smelly feet, cigarette smoke and beer. But bowling ball manufacturer Storme Products is putting fruit and other scents into some of its bowling balls, resulting in an increase in sales.

(Not to mention, an increase in the Bowl-A-Rama pickup line, "Pssst, you want to smell my ..." uh ... nevermind.)

Honolulu Lite on Sunday

Drum roll please: The winner of the Honolulu Lite Ugliest Building in Honolulu Contest is ... (see a special Honolulu Lite Extra in Sunday's Star-Bulletin).

Quote Me On This (Kid Div.):

"Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children." -- Sam Levenson

"Every time a child says, 'I don't believe in fairies,' there's a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead." -- J.M. Barrie

"I understand the importance of bondage between parent and child." -- Dan Quayle