Online license renewals
grant DMV reprieves

Even in the online Digital Age, no one is beyond the offline long arm of the law.

But while Respectable People often get in trouble for doing too much (don't feed the animals, don't walk beyond this point, don't lie to the feds about insider trading), Digital Slobs get nabbed for not doing enough (not keeping our dogs on a leash, not finding a fire exit during a raid, not telling the IRS about an impromptu trip to Peru).

Such a rampage of sinful omissions recently put me in the eye of a Perfect Storm of passed-over paperwork:

I didn't renew my car's safety inspection sticker.

I didn't talk the cop out of the ticket.

I didn't resolve the matter at District Court with a pocketful of $20 bills before my drivers license expired.

I didn't go to the correct Department of Motor Vehicles office that deals with out-of-state transfers.

I didn't realize the correct DMV would not only reject my expired license and insist I take the driving test, but also require a licensed driver sit by me all day as I waited to do it, just like the mom I saw losing the will to live in the corner with her 16-year-old kid.

I didn't realize this would make my forehead break out like that same 16-year-old kid.

Watching the wrecking ball of municipal bureaucracy demolish my den of delinquency was almost amusing, until I learned I'd have to find someone who had the valid license, the free time and the stamina to stomach my presence indefinitely until the DMV machine weaned me back to adulthood.

Unfortunately, as a Digital Slob, most of my friends are online, thousands of miles away. They'd bail me out of jail, but only if my local magistrate accepts PayPal.

However, scofflaws who die by the Net can rise like a phoenix from the Net. Luckily, the last state to let me burn rubber legit is among the 12 or so that allow you to renew drivers licenses online.

So I revived my out-of-state permit without going out-of-state. The global DMV supercomputer quickly deemed my credentials re-unexpired, and I was then allowed to transfer them in line, offline, locally -- sidestepping the driving test.

Still, I had to endure my local, old-school 3-D DMV with Smell-O-Vision -- twice. So, during breaks cramming for the written test, I jotted down questions we might ask ourselves to prep for the line itself:

If someone in front of you faints from fatigue in line at the DMV, you should

A) call 911.
B) check their forms to see if they chose organ donation.
C) join the spontaneous cacophony of applause from all those who are now that much closer to the front of the line.

If you wish to complete all necessary business before your current license expires, you should arrive at the DMV

A) early in the morning.
B) early in the week.
C) no later than 9 a.m. on March 7, 1967.

The best way to pass the time in the DMV line is to

A) pay your neighbor to punch you unconscious and drag you along.
B) form a rudimentary civil coalition and begin rationing food and water.
C) engage in a heated debate about the socio-economic symbolism of "The Apprentice" with a man who's wearing no shoes and has a small kitten living in his dreadlocks.

See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Also see www.digitalslob.com

Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com

Online license renewals grant DMV reprieves

Online license renewals
grant DMV reprieves