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Laughter keeps the
blood flowing

Medical researchers have confirmed something that regular readers of this column have known for some time: Honolulu Lite makes you live longer. Well, not Honolulu Lite specifically, but laughing in general.

University of Maryland School of Medicine investigators found that laughing causes the tissue that forms the inner lining of blood vessels to relax or expand, increasing blood flow. That's good. Stress causes the blood vessels to narrow, that's bad. In effect, the docs proved the old saying, "Laughter is the best medicine."

So, in a way, I am in the health-care business. As your columnist, I try to serve up at least several guffaws, a couple of chortles, a giggle, a snicker and a titter in each column, and I'm not just talking about my bad spelling. But on a really good day, I hope to make you squirt milk through your nose or blow your dentures across the room.

The trick to a long life is to get in the habit of finding the humor that is all around you. Martha Stewart went to prison and came out five times richer than when she went in. Now that's funny. Not "ha, ha" funny. But funny in the way that makes you want to wring her neck if she were standing in front of you.

Not really. I like Martha. In fact, my goal is to be under house arrest. At her house. Is there some minor crime a person can commit, where nobody actually gets hurt but the judge sentences you to five months living at Martha's palatial estate?

FUNNY THINGS appear in the newspaper every day. Just the other day, a 500-pound boulder plowed through a Palolo house, almost killing a man. That's not the funny part. It turns out that the almost-victim's name was Mr. Oh. How appropriate is that? Of course, it would be funnier if the guy's name had been "Mr. What the Hell Was That?!!!" But God is subtle. The interesting thing is that Mr. Oh's neighbor's name is Mr. Whew. OK. Not funny.

I think we always knew that laughter was good for us. That's why hearing a good joke makes you want to send it to 2,354 people by e-mail. But when you hear bad news, you just send it to people you hate.

Here's the funniest joke I ever heard: Two local hunters near Makapuu see a hang glider. One says, "Bruddah, that's the biggest bird I ever saw. Let's shoot it." The other guys fires at it. He says, "Don't know if I hit the buggah but he dropped the haole he was carrying."

Take two more of those and don't call me in the morning.