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H-3 dumper’s reasoning
is a mystery

TV shows like "C.S.I." are spawning a generation of armchair detectives. So I thought it might be fun to let readers take part in a "Honolulu Lite CSI Mini-Mystery." In this case, "CSI" stands for "criminally stupid individuals" because our mystery involves a guy who is a few brain cells shy of an alibi.

Here's the story:

I was driving along the H-3 freeway, Honolulu side but heading toward Kaneohe. It's a clear day. Traffic is light but annoying. I'm enjoying the view and thanking U.S. Sen. Dan Inouye once again for getting the H-3 built, because the Halawa Valley is such a beautiful place, and if it weren't for the freeway I'd have never gotten to see it close up. I love the startlingly different colors of green, the mists against the mountains and -- Ahhhhh! My God! -- some idiot just cut in front of me.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the place is gorgeous, even at 65 miles per hour.

And then I see, parked on the shoulder, a white pickup truck and a guy throwing a large mysterious black plastic bag over the railing where that part of the freeway is a bridge.

I pass the dude as he hops back into his truck and gets back on the freeway. I wait for him to catch up to me so I can take down his license plate number because I'm thinking, what kind of a jerk would be throwing something off the freeway in broad daylight? And what could possibly be so important that it had to be disposed of there? I mean, if he had continued down the road for a few more minutes, he would have been at the Kapaa Quarry Dump.

So I think, whatever he threw off the bridge had to be more important than just regular rubbish. It reminded me of that Bobby Gentry song, "Ode to Billy Joe." You know, what was it Billy Joe MacAllister and his girlfriend threw off the Tallahatchie Bridge?

If our Billy Joe had just dumped rubbish off the H-3 bridge, it would be bad enough. Of all the places to toss a sack of garbage, why ruin such a pristine valley, completely untouched by human hands, except for, well, the H-3 (John A. Burns Memorial) Freeway?

So I was thinking, it must have been more than rubbish. Maybe it was a bag of dead cats. Or puppies. (That was what people speculated Billy Joe MacAllister tossed off the Tallahatchie Bridge.) Maybe it was secret documents, and his accomplices were under the bridge waiting for the drop. Or old Playboys that he didn't want his wife to see. Or maybe he just broke up with his girlfriend and it was all her stuff.

BUT WHY WOULD he choose that spot on the H-3 to get rid of any of those things? Everybody knows if you are getting rid of your girlfriend's stuff, it's better to chuck it off the Pali. Or did I mention that the dump was just minutes away?

I got off the freeway in Kaneohe and then drove all the way back to Aiea and got back on the H-3 so I could look over the bridge rail to see what the guy dumped. I reached the spot where I thought he had been and got out of my truck. I immediately thought: mistake. It's amazing how fast cars seem to go when they are just missing you by inches. I spider-crawled to the railing and peered over. It was a long way down. Maybe 50 feet. And completely overgrown. I contemplated picking my way to the bottom, but a truck flew by and almost blew me over the railing, so I crawled back to my truck, entered through the passenger window and nervously waited for an opening in the traffic. So much for crime-scene investigation.

Anyway, don't let that deter you from trying to solve this mystery. Here are the details:

» Time: 1:40 p.m.

» Place: H-3 freeway, Kaneohe bound, Honolulu side, just short of the "8 W" phone box.

» Vehicle: White F-150 pickup truck, newer model with several "Support Our Troops" magnetic ribbons of different colors on the tailgate. The first three letters of the license plate were "GYY." It looked like the guy was heading to Kailua or the Marine base.

We might never know what Billy Joe MacAllister threw off the Tallahatchie Bridge (before he threw himself off), but let's crack this case of the H-3 rubbish dumper.