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ID thefts
give snail-mail
second wind

When it comes to "secure" wireless communications, nothing in the Digital Age can compare to the Pony Express -- though now long defunct due to its really, really slow bit rate.

But to be fair, it also never had Paris Hilton on its route.

If only T-Mobile could make the same claim.

Specifically, an FBI investigation (allegedly code-named Operation French Priss) is making a federal case out of how she got re-overexposed when the Phone List to the Stars stored on her Sidekick handheld device somehow got on the Internet.

This could be the work of an evil hacker genius, or just someone adept at picking Hilton's brain. Sounds easy enough, but keep in mind they would not only need to know the young heiress' password, but also the particular way she likely misspells it.

Still, Paris' predicament stands as a symbol of how vulnerable we all are to identity theft, even those of us who work hard for a living and make it a point to never, ever misplace our chihuahuas.

But it's not all bad news. It seems all this burgled binary code is at least giving snail mail a new niche market.

The Associated Press reports that Bank of America will be using old-style letters to inform hundreds of thousands of people that it "lost" copies of their Social Security numbers and credit card histories in December. And another security breach at ChoicePoint Corp. is requiring 145,000 similar dispatches. They will all say "my bad," in so many legally-vetted words.

Delivering that many you-may-already-be-bankrupt "Dear John" letters will net a pretty penny for the much-maligned U.S. Postal Service -- even at the bulk rate.

All this might make you want to either seal your computer in a Costco-sized Folgers can and bury it in the backyard, or strike a data-broker exec with a blunt object. But there are other, non-shovel-related solutions as well.

T-Mobile advises you to password-protect your voicemail, since otherwise anyone who knows your number can fake out caller ID from any phone, pretend to be you and access your data.

And the feds recently mandated free annual credit checks for all -- the program began regional rollouts in December. As of March 1, everyone in the West and Midwest can take the Stare-Down-Your-Debt Challenge at www.annualcreditreport.com.

For Respectable People, it will likely be a routine scan. However, if you're a Slob with more than 12 credit cards and a family history of heart trouble, you should log on only with a doctor's supervision.

Even if you're one of the five people never targeted by identity thieves, getting face time with your financial situation can be enlightening.

The next time a car dealer checks your credit score for a lease application and returns looking like he's been asked to stall for time until the police arrive -- you'll be ready.

Also, scan credit card statements for items that look out of place. For Respectable People, that would include any charges from Dominos Pizza before 3 p.m. on a weekday, and any purchases of Clay Aiken memorabilia. For Slobs, red flags should go up for any transactions using the words "24Hour Fitness," "dry cleaning" or "Nutrition Center."