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Digital Age ascends
into friendly skies

Soon, frequent-flying Digital Slobs will be able to do almost anything imaginable on a plane, aside from getting fingernail clippers past security.

Air travel is getting a makeover, thanks to two new futuristic jets and an easing of in-flight restrictions on wireless devices.

Last month Airbus unveiled its gigantic double-decker A380. And this month, Boeing debuted a plane capable of nonstop flights linking almost any two cities on Earth.

Of course, we don't need to watch Leonardo DiCaprio wash his hands obsessively in "The Aviator" to know big planes are nothing new.

But while jets have been able to shuttle entire football teams between stadiums for decades, the A380 is the first one big enough to let them run practice drills en route.

Size-wise, it has no equal. If a 747 was a 6-inch Subway sandwich, the A380 would still be a really big airplane.

This "superjumbo" is 240 feet long and can seat up to 850 passengers. Rumor has it even the model kits arriving in hobby stores will seat 117.

Virgin Atlantic intends to turn a half dozen A380s into virtual Cloud Sin Cities, complete with double-bed suites, casinos and corruptible liquor commissioners.

Such ostentation, however, is wasted on Slobs. To fulfill our "jumbo" travel fantasies, all airlines need to do is tell flight attendants to hand out 2-liter bottles of Coke and full-size, 10.5 oz bags of pretzels.

Boeing's new plane, on the other hand, presumes the race for air supremacy will be a marathon. While their 777-200LR can seat only about 300, it can fly nearly 11,000 miles.

Boeing bets your average passenger would gladly endure an extra long nonstop flight in coach penned against a 350-pound Supersaver with leaky sinuses just to avoid the indefinite layover and Concourse B's $9 Egg McMuffins.

The new 777 would allow first-ever nonstop travel from London to Sydney, Miami to Sydney, Cairo to Sydney -- pretty much anywhere to Sydney (I hope Australia has enough towels for everyone).

Of course, flying 19 hours straight presents both opportunities and obstacles.

Since the feds recently OK'd wireless access on planes starting in 2006, an industrious Respectable Person could take off from Houston with a laptop, and land in Pakistan with a master's degree in business administration.

And for Slobs, 19 hours is long enough to watch either the entire "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, or the first two complete seasons of "Everybody Loves Raymond."

On the downside, flight attendants would have to constantly review safety features, as the more absent-minded might forget they are flying altogether and attempt to go out for some fresh air.

Still others might get too comfortable after such a prolonged incarceration, and come to fear deplaning into a world they no longer understand -- think "Shawshank Redemption" with smaller pillows.

So, to review: Casinos, beds, booze, big bags of pretzels (hopefully) and nonstop Wi-Fi access from one hemisphere to another. For Slobs, a near-perfect mile-high paradise is within reach.

If we could just figure out how to keep our fingernails from growing, we might never have to land.