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Dudes look dopey
in droopy drawers

Reach ... I was sorry to see that Virginia legislators have wimped out their effort to fine anyone wearing their pants so low that their underwear shows. Because, as the saying goes, where goes Virginia, Hawaii is soon to follow. And I'm getting sick of seeing guys with their pants around their knees.

I understand that it is fashionable for young ladies to hoist their belt lines low enough to show a hint of undergarment. I'd be the last to criticize "haute couture" even if I knew what "haute couture" was.

Where the women are chic, the guys look stupid. Laws must be passed to keep dudes from flashing their dirty BVDs.

Perhaps Hawaii legislators will have the guts to go where Virginia legislators wouldn't. As writer P.J. O'Rourke says, young gentlemen can use a bit of direction these days, like, pull your pants up, turn your hat around and get a job.

And now the news ...

This road report rocks

TERRACE, B.C. (AP) » Residents who dial a toll-free number to check on road conditions are getting something hotter than snow reports.

Instead of the Ministry of Transportation, the 1-800 number listed in the phone book connects to a sex line. The Utah-based company that publishes the phone book says it is considering withholding further distribution of the books.

(That or they'll pay the phone sex company to give road reports ... Ooohhh, baaaby, I-23 is HARD packed snow today ...)

Bad breath, good bust

QUINCY, Mass (AP) » A restaurant manager was charged with raping an employee at knifepoint after the woman recognized her masked attacker by his bad breath.

The woman fingered her boss, Tuen Lee, 36, as the man who assaulted her after smelling his breath.

(The police lineup went something like this: No. 1, step forward, please. Now step back. Farther. Farther. A lot farther.)

FUI is a bird killer

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) » Dozens of birds got drunk from eating holly berries, then crashed into the glass of an office building and died.

"It was like an Alfred Hitchcock movie," worker Denise Wilkinson said. "It was spooky. You could hear them when they flew into glass."

(Mother Birds Against Drunk Flying was not amused.)

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday

Why do voters have the unreasonable propensity to regard computer voting machines with suspicion when computers have a long history of rarely crashing during important projects, never eating one's homework and when incapacitated can be recalled to their duty simply by flipping through a small manual of the sort used to engage the main engines of the USS Enterprise?

Quote Me on This:

"I could have done the job myself in 20 minutes, but as things turned out, I had to spend two days to find out why it had taken someone else three weeks to do it wrong." -- J.L. McCafferty