FL MORRIS / FMORRIS@STARBULLETIN.COM Dr. Ardyce Grant with her book "How to Choose The One."

Evaluate mate’s
long-term potential

BEFORE YOU spend hundreds of dollars on jewelry, flowers, candy and other Valentine's Day gifts for that special somebody, wouldn't it be nice to know if that person is, in fact, "The One"?

"I'm interested in helping people find out if they are compatible," says relationship therapist and marriage counselor Dr. Ardyce Rooney Grant. "If they do find someone they are attracted to, they could know in five minutes if that person is compatible enough for marriage."

DRAWING UPON her 20-plus years of counseling, Grant developed what she calls an "error-proof" system to find the perfect candidate for a lifelong relationship. Her book, "How to Choose THE ONE" (Llumina Press, 2001, $12.95), details a five-step process used to evaluate a potential mate.

"Your perfect partner can be right there, but you need to ask them the right questions," she says. "I wrote (the book) for people who are frustrated with ending up with the wrong person."

Designed for "optimistic singles who believe anything is possible" and "all those who have been previously married and are thinking about taking a chance again," the system uses the acronym M.A.T.C.H. to make each step a little easier to remember.

The first evaluator, according to Grant, is finding someone who is as close to a mirror image of yourself as possible. It's important to first take a look at yourself.

"Mirror images create successful relationships," says Grant. "The more diverse the personalities, the deeper and stronger the conflicts and frustrations are for both."

THE NEXT two evaluators, activity level and the need for talking and touching, are most important for determining the level of compatibility.

During the first few years that Grant worked with clients, she observed that the majority of troubled couples kept mentioning how they didn't maintain the same level of social activity as when they first started dating. Instead of putting in the effort to "wine and dine" each other, the couples found themselves settling into a routine.

"I like the idea that marriage should be a continuation of dating," she says. "And the only way that can be a continuation is to lock in the sociability and the communication."

In her book, Grant outlines an approach to actually quantify an individual's social energy level and their need for talking and touching. Even though two people might have the initial chemistry and similar personalities to start a relationship, their long-term prospects aren't good if each has different ideas about how much they want to go out and how important it is to keep the lines of communication open.

"It's an equal need to go out and an equal need for affection," says Grant. "People nowadays will not stay with an incompatible mate."

THE FINAL two evaluators in Grant's system are compromise and harmony. Once you've determined that someone is similar enough in terms of activity level and emotional needs, keeping that relationship on an even keel requires a bit of diplomacy at times.

"In addition to finding a companion to talk to and to go places with, people desire mates who are cooperative, sensitive and responsive to their needs," she says. "Mutual acceptance brings harmony to a marriage, while hostility breeds havoc."

Luckily, finding a way to compromise is something that people can work on together without necessarily having to end their relationship. As Grant points out, the important thing is to find a partner who is as similar to yourself as possible.

"If you get the chemistry right, you've got a lover," says Grant. "If you get the social right, you have a companion, and if you get the communication right, you have someone to talk to.

"The important thing is that you're with a person who is equal to you."