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‘Goofus and Gallant’
still Highlights

Fate and poor coordination necessitated a trip to the doctor's office, where I was amazed to see that one of my favorite magazines, Highlights for Children, is still in publication.

The reasons for the visit are not relevant. Let's just say that as you get older, the body's infrastructure gets a bit wobbly and, as orthopedic surgeons like to state, "stuff happens."

So I was sitting there in the waiting room, happily flipping through a Highlights that was no more than 3 or 4 years old (considered hot off the press for a doctor's waiting room), completely disregarding other patients who eyed me with the pity that sentient adults feel toward the developmentally handicapped.

In case you don't know or have forgotten your childhood visits to the doctor, Highlights is a magazine for kids chock full of inspirational tales, poems, puzzles, jokes and not-too-subtle hints for growing into a productive adult.

Only an edition of Highlights will shamelessly feature a joke like "First Boy: 'What did Tennessee?' Second Boy: 'The same thing Arkansas!'" Yeah, baby!

HIGHLIGHTS IS THE magazine that started millions of 5-year-olds on their way to becoming forensic investigators by challenging them to find various hidden objects throughout the magazine. And it's tough. While I waited for my doctor, I managed to find the pizza, pencil and hatchet but for the life of me couldn't find the slice of pie or Uzi. At least, the drawing looked like an Uzi.

One of the most popular features in the magazine is "Goofus and Gallant," two kids from opposite sides of the behavioral tracks. I was a bit disturbed to find out that Goofus was still an incorrigible reprobate. Little panel drawings compare Goofus and Gallant's activities, e.g., "Goofus interrupts" while "Gallant lets his friends finish speaking." And "Goofus shows off when he scores a goal," while "Gallant is pleased but doesn't brag."

I mean, what is Goofus' problem? After all these years he still doesn't get it. The only way he's going to get any self-esteem at all is to kick Gallant's butt. And Gallant needs a royal butt-whomping. I wanted to smack him myself. Maybe Goofus is still misbehaving because he's been called "Goofus" for the past 50 years. You'd think that for someone as unstable as Goofus, who appears only in a doctor's office magazine, therapy might be offered to the poor bugger.