A look back at our 20s
convinces that finding
our ideal mate is as
much about us as you

This might be hard to believe, but I once was an egocentric, sexist and one-track-minded guy when it came to the "perfect woman" ideal. In my own defense, my upbringing worked against me: only child, raised in Hollywood, single in the '60s.

I got together recently with some male buddies from that era and area. They're now married and content. We chatted about Valentine's Day and reminded one another of our bad-boy days when -- gosh darn it! -- life was all about us.

We mused about how we had once believed the "perfect girl" would treat us. Warning: It's not pretty, but it went something like this:

We were thinking about what we would say to ourselves if we could travel back to our 20s. What advice would we give ourselves? And would we listen?

"The single most important thing is that a dream woman is real, but as men grow up the concept changes," said Rob. (Last names withheld to protect the guilty and any pre-nup.) "She's the single most important woman you'll ever know because while girlfriends come and go, Ms. Ideal is there all year round."

"That's true," said Dennis. "I remember when I found her, I wrote that 'in fall, you're every smiling girl in a big knitted sweater. In the summer, you're every girl wearing cutoff jeans. In the spring you're every flower I couldn't give her. And in winter, I love your shape hiding under a puffy jacket.'"

The group stared. Who knew Dennis was such a poet?

"A dream woman may not be the sexiest woman in the world or the most beautiful, but she's the one who makes you want better for yourself," says a weightlifter buddy, Wayne.

Chicken skin all around and silence.

Larry was the good-looking, sweet-talking playboy. Girls loved him. I desperately tried to be like Larry and failed. He's been happily married for 26 years and has three children.

"When I realized that my perfect woman is a reflection of my values, I started being a decent person," he says. "She was the measure of my real worth way before I'd accomplished anything. As the standard I set for myself, she's a reflection of my estimates of my own abilities."

"So you're saying this dream woman represents a man's potential?" I ask.

"She's the mark of a man who thinks, and values ideas, a man who wants to be moral and good and decent. It is the sign that a man wants the best he can find in a woman because he feels he is capable of being the best kind of man, which we all want desperately to be."

"We do?" Dennis says, and we all laugh.

We agreed finding one's dream woman takes a long time.

"That's because you waited forever to make yourself into her dream guy," Larry says. "We all settled for less and didn't make it a passion to attract that kind of woman. I decided to pursue that passion, not just women. I decided to try to make that woman's dreams come true, and ultimately it was my dream, too, though I didn't know it at the time."

We compared notes about dream women and, miracle of miracles, it was the women we're still with.

"When I first saw Nancy, she was beautiful, tall, slim and dignified, with eyes so green they reminded me of the most beautiful lagoon," I said. "She had an aura about her, not of power or anything you could really put your finger on. In a way she looked like an angel, yet she was no angel."

Nancy was, I said, "a dangerous concoction: looks of an angel blended with the spirit of a fierce warrior putting to sea, bent on mayhem."

My friends looked at me strangely.

"She scared me and I liked that," I said. "I imagined that she could take any guy who caught her fancy, love him intensely and then, if she was displeased, toss his empty shell back, then move on. When she caught my gaze from across the room, I honest to God knew I was in trouble."

"Why?" asked Dennis.

"Because I dared thinking I was the one to tame Nancy and not have to commit emotionally," I said.

"So we agree that as we got older, none of us liked women who were wimps?" Larry asked.

"Once my eyes had connected with the girl I married," Wayne said, "I was mesmerized by her gaze. She looked right through me. It wasn't just about physical attraction, sex; it was about all kinds of emotions.

I ask him what he did. "I guarded myself, held my emotions back, so I could survive these early storms," Wayne said. "I couldn't stay away form her honesty and openness, even her vulnerability. I had never met anyone like that.

"She didn't want to be hurt, but she knew to have a perfect relationship, you have to be willing to be hurt. She taught me that and I was scared to death, but it was well worth the fear of getting to know her."

"So you're saying there became a time where we were looking for a teacher?" Larry says.

"Desperately and definitively," says Dennis, the most literary of the group. "Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote of the perfect woman, 'And close your eyes with holy dread, for he on honey-dew hath fed, and drunk the milk of Paradise.'"

Group contemplation.

AS MANY YOUNG men do in searching for the perfect woman, I believed that if I looked long enough, I would find her and be secure for life. Years and romances passed, and I began to change my concept of perfection to include qualities of good morals, honesty, humor, reliability and being nonjudgmental.

The other day, after more than two decades together, I lay on our bed recovering from a slight back injury. Nancy was sitting up in bed, reading and giggling, smiling and watching the sunrise. The only sounds were the cat purring and birds chirping.

I looked at my wife's face and saw her still warm and twinkling eyes of 20 years ago.

I realized something about perfection: It comes only with time.

"Mr. Right" is someone
who can be a lover,
partner and best
friend for the long haul

When it comes to finding "Mr. Right," women are looking for a complete package and have become more selective now that their careers allow them to support themselves financially.

We might still hold the romantic Cinderella dream of living happily ever after, but to do that we have a list of core requirements. The man who "has it all" is honest, smart, handsome, romantic and much more. Everyone has goals and values, but certain issues require a couple to see eye to eye. No matter how much you love each other, differences in fundamental beliefs can make it difficult to find mutual respect. Things could still work out, but most women realize love and happiness take a lot of work by both parties.

So the perfect man must be willing to talk through the big issues, from sex and family planning to long-term goals.

Toni Agustin put honesty at the top of her list.

"If the relationship is built on lies, what is the point?"

Next comes communication and then romance, she added, saying that is more important than looks.

"He doesn't need to be gorgeous," she said. And, age doesn't matter to her.

On the other hand, Anna Cottrell wants a man who will treat her like a goddess. "I want him to worship the ground I walk on ... make every day like Valentine's Day," she said, noting her admiration for strong women of the past, like Cleopatra.

She admitted that a "yes dear" demeanor might become tiresome over the years, and said friendship is what's important in the end.

"It's so important to be able to confide in one another."

HERE'S A CHECKLIST of traits that make up the "Mr. Right" package for any guy wondering how to win a girl's heart: