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Soon TVs
will have to
turn us off

When my buddy with the time machine convinces me to join him on a trip to the 2018 Consumer Electronics Show, I always end up regretting it. Once there, he rushes around the convention floor solo and I'm left alone, feeling conspicuous.

After all, 13 years from now is a alien world with different social standards -- I don't have the proper credentials, my clothes are out of style, and this time a policeman fined me $120 for being fat, and $150 for being bald.

Still, before I hunted down my buddy and returned to the relative lawlessness of 2005, I got a sneak peak at a few more 2018 gizmos:

The Signing Off Channel: Some couch potatoes haven't slept a wink since 2011, when "American Idol" began showing all 100,000 auditions in their entirety. Prompted by this national health crisis, the Federal Communication Commission authorized an entire channel to broadcast nothing but the national anthem, flags, wheat fields, stock footage of jet fighters that have been out of commission for 50 years, sunsets, eagles and test patterns on a 24-hour loop.

Concerned family members of the sleep-deprived can program remotes to automatically switch to this channel, which research shows triggers a Pavlovian snooze response within 35 seconds.

Amana XM Satellite Microwave: At first, the merger of the nation's leading appliance manufacturer and the nation's biggest digital audio provider had Wall Street scratching its head. But the new entity quickly silenced critics by making a device that plays music while it cooks.

Reheating food often means separating yourself from your tunes for tens of seconds, or more -- until now. Simply pop a frozen dinner into this appliance, hit the Play/Cook button, and the pre-installed satellite receiver instantly taps into XM's massive database for a song -- matched to both the required cooking time and the aesthetics of whatever's on the menu.

Heat up an 8-minute pot pie to the 8-minute "American Pie" (Don McLean, 1971), or nuke smores in under three minutes to "I Want Candy" (Bow Wow Wow, 1982).

The deluxe model features a disco ball, rotating platform and even a laser light show -- why not finish off that leftover Thanksgiving turkey by giving it a proper swan song ("Last Dance," Donna Summer, 1978).

"Nude Jeopardy!" After science meshed computers into clothes, allowing everyone to wear the accumulated knowledge of all human existence literally on their sleeve, The Law of Unintended Consequences quickly bankrupted the classic "Jeopardy!" quiz show. Now Alex Trebek (still sharp as a tack, despite redefining the phrase "showing his age") is baring all alongside contestants in the pilot of his new stripped-down-for-authenticity show.

Since the power of Google can now be weaved into any fabric, "Jeopardy!" eggheads must now buzz in in the buff, just to prove they are using only their silicone-free synapses to phrase answers in the form of a question.

Convention onlookers seemed skeptical, if not nauseated. Still, "Nude Jeopardy!" might have more of a future than "Nude Price is Right" or "Nude Wheel of Fortune," if only because it doesn't involve quite so much jumping.