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Getting bribed
to write stuff?
Priceless.

First it was commentator Armstrong Williams who was paid $241,000 by the federal education department to promote the president's "No Child Left Behind" program. Then columnist Maggie Gallagher was paid $21,000 by the department of health to push Bush's pro-marriage project.

This is really outrageous. If the Bush administration is going to shell out big bucks for columnists to secretly shill government initiatives, then "Alo--Ha! Friday" demands a cut. And we can offer better deals. For instance, we will support any major federal health program for $9.95 per month. Right now we have a special introductory "No Child Left Behind" rate of $22.50. Our rates vary on supporting marriage: Heterosexual couples ($14.93), Same Sex ($138.48), Human/Appliances ($543.83). For a full menu of bribery options, inquire within. And now the news ...

Lions settle dispute

PHALABORWA, South Africa (AP) » A labor dispute on a game farm resulted in an employee being fed to the lions, authorities said.

Mark Scott-Crossley, owner of the Engedi Game Farm, is on trial with two of his workers for beating Nelson Chisale to death and feeding his remains to some lions.

The trial has caused a stir in the usually quiet farming region northeast of Johannesburg.

(A stir? No. Really?)

Fresh breath fouls law

ADRIAN, Mich. (AP) » A woman, 50, pleaded guilty to drunken driving after failing a sobriety test and telling officers she had drunk three glasses of Listerine mouthwash.

Carol Ries' blood-alcohol level was three times the legal limit. Listerine contains 26.9 percent alcohol, compared with 13 percent for a bottle of wine.

(Listerine also kills germs on contact by millions, while a hearty burgundy only kills germs on contact by thousands.)

This fish was no joke

MANAGUA, Nicaragua (AP) » A man who joked to his friends that he could eat a live fish choked to death when the creature lodged in his throat.

Jose Torres Padilla, 22, was fishing with friends when he joked about eating a whole fish. He put part of the fish in his mouth, but the fish squirmed and slid down his throat.

(The fish reportedly was thrown back into the water where he reported to friends, "That's one for our side.")

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday

In this corner, weighing 4 pounds and wearing the boxing gloves the size of champagne corks, Rhode Island Red! If he loses this bout, he'll end up with a teriyaki glaze. Chicken boxing! It could happen here.

Quote Me on This (Div. of Feeling Poorly):

"I started out with nothing. I still have most of it." -- Michael Davis

"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty." -- Groucho Marx

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart." -- E.E. Cummings