Why didn’t we think
of bribing U.N.?

"Sir, when are some of these terrorist dudes we have stashed at Guantanamo Bay going to start suffering from the 'Stockholm Syndrome'? And if Saddam Hussein was able to win the support of Russia, France, Germany and the United Nations through simple bribery, why doesn't the United States get into the bribery game and get some of these idiots on our side for a change?"

Good questions, and ones our crack "Honolulu Lite" International Affairs team members have been deeply pondering during their frequent martini breaks.

First of all, for the youngsters out there, "Stockholm Syndrome" refers to the curious phenomenon of captives identifying with their captors. The syndrome was first noticed in Stockholm, Sweden. So how lucky was that? It began in 1973 when Jan Olson, apparently distraught by not making the Swedish bikini team, decided to rob a bank. He ended up holding several bank employees hostage. After hearing Olson whine for several days about having a girl's name, the hostages began to sympathize with him and hate the police who were trying to rescue them.

The syndrome has since become common, in such cases as Patty Hearst's, when she was abducted by the Symbionese Liberation Army. After being fed Symbionese propaganda (not to mention Symbionese dip with crackers), Hearst decided she wanted to become a citizen of Symbionia or something. When she was rescued and learned there was no Symbionia, she went back to being a spoiled rich girl. But she continued to bring Symbionese Dip 'n Crackers to potluck parties.

Why terrorist prisoners in Guantanamo and at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq haven't bonded with their captors yet is unknown. You'd think by now they would be thoroughly Stockholmed. I keep waiting for an al-Qaida terrorist to give a press conference at Guantanamo saying, "Hey, these Marines are really sweet guys. I can't believe the pressure they're under." And how come none of the Abu Ghraib detainees haven't come down with the Stockholm Syndrome? I'd like to hear at least one of them say, "Yeah, we had to get naked and pile up on each other. But think how stressful it was for our guards. And that lady who put me on the leash and dragged me around the cellblock, she's a great gal, really. She's got some issues. I think they ought to go easy on her."

So, yeah, it is weird how the American captors never benefit from Stockholm Syndrome.

As for the idea of bribing other countries and the U.N. for support, what a great concept.

Saddam figured out that it would take only a few million dollars from the "Oil for Food Program" (or, as the deceased Uday Hussein called it, the "Bribing the Infidel Pigs With Their Own Money Program") to buy undying loyalty from important people in the U.N., Russia, Germany and France. Why didn't we think of it first? It's not like people in those countries actually like Saddam. It's basically first bribe come, first briber served.

In the long run, it would have been easier (and cheaper) to slip U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan's son a few million bucks and stick several million in the pockets of Putin, Schroeder and Chirac than to go to war without them. If we had bribed them first, the U.N. would have coughed up a "first strike" resolution in a heartbeat, and when the phone rang from Iraq, the leaders of Germany, Russia and France would have said, "Saddam who?"