Honolulu Lite
Charles Memminger

New order dresses
up Marine base

Public school administrators dismayed by girls who come to school dressed like streetwalkers and guys who slink onto campus with their jeans halfway down their legs, exposing their underwear, might look to Kaneohe Marine Base Order 1020.5B for inspiration.

Base Order 1020.5B regulates the kind of "civilian attire" allowed to be worn "on board" the base. It applies to everyone from generals to visitors, although I'll bet the order didn't come about because some general was cruising around the base wearing a do-rag.

As explained in a recent edition of the newspaper Hawaii Marine, the order bars the aforementioned do-rags, along with bandannas, skullcaps and nylon stockings. (I thought wearing nylon stockings on the head was appropriate only for bank robbers and confused porn actors.)

Under the order, baseball caps cannot be worn sideways or backward, a restriction I think should become federal law within the border of the entire United States. Guys also are not to wear T-shirts designed as underwear (the kind Marlon Brando sported in "A Streetcar Named Desire"). Saggy trousers that expose the underwear are also out.

For the ladies, exposed midriffs are a no-no. So is exposed underwear (those darn bra straps!) and see-through clothing. (The last item will no doubt cause a few male Marines to sob.) Women also cannot wear shorts that expose any underwear "or the buttocks."

Because of Hawaii's climate, sandals and slippers are allowed, but it's still forbidden to go barefoot in the commissary.

In addition, sexually provocative clothing is not allowed, as well as clothing with patches, slogans or pictures interpreted to be obscene, profane, supremacist, racist or that glamorizes illegal activity. (No patches urging the removal of mattress labels from mattresses, for instance.)

"As a general rule, civilian attire that presents a conservative, clean, inoffensive and neat appearance is the standard for all while aboard MCB Hawaii," the article states. In short, the point of Base Order 1020.5B is, Don't dress like an idiot.

The school board should come up with its own Campus Order 1020.5B. If the students complain, threaten them with 1020.5A. I'm not sure what that is, but I think it makes wearing burlap jumpsuits and Carmen Miranda fruit hats mandatory.

Charles Memminger, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2004 First Place Award winner for humor writing, appears Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

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