Tokelani returns

The guardian pueo of the kipuka, having given its blessing again to enter, watched as Randy Makapu'u and Jeff Lam, Pono Commission attorney, signed papers giving Randy ownership of a large ahupua'a along the Kona coast, in exchange for his lost family lands on Oahu. That was followed by a kava ceremony led by Pua Makua, Ph.D., who Randy was hiring as a consultant to ensure the "most Hawaiian use" of his land.

When the chopper left to fly them down to Randy's beach, Tokelani said thanks, she wanted to hike down. "I've got my cell, I'll call a cab," she said. "Good luck."

She waved as the chopper lifted off, then made a phone call. "I'm here."

"Yes, we see you, Goddess Tokelani," she heard. "Over here!"

Her three 7-foot white Hawaiian friends, wearing nothing but huge shades and loincloths, stepped from tall grass, beckoning her to join them. Glancing back one last time at the disappearing chopper, she walked slowly toward them, her heart racing.

Seven feet is just a number until you look up at it. At 5-foot-6, Tokelani had plenty to look up at.

But suddenly she was looking down, they were kneeling, prostrating themselves, chanting in Hawaiian, of which she understood very little except several references to Tokelani.

"Um," she said, wondering why they thought she was a goddess, "mahalo, but ... I think this might be a case of mistaken identity?"

Standing, the one in the middle adjusted his triple-size wrap-around shades, looked carefully at her. "You are Tokelani, yes?"

"Yes ..."

"Tokelani, goddess of whoopee, who returns every 100 years and for a whole weekend turns everyone into guilt-free love nuts -- this is taught to all Tubers. We welcome you now, and invite you inside. But we must hurry -- final preparations are underway even now for the royal wedding."

"Uh-huh ..." Goddess of whoopee? ... Tubers? ... Royal wedding? ... Either these guys were just the biggest goofs ever or ... Or not ... But how did they even know her name? Her parents made it up one night while getting heavily into a bamboo bong and Bob Marley. "Inside what?"

"The Tube, of course," they said.

"Of course. The Tube." She caught the three looking her up and down, not in a creepy way, but admiring, worshipful, grateful. The loincloth of the one in the middle began to rise.

"Surely, your power is great, Tokelani," he said unashamedly. "It is time for you to share it at the Royal Rotunda."

Feeling powerful and sexy, Tokelani winked. "Yes, you're right. Let's go."

They led her inside a well-disguised cave.

"Hey," the goddess said. "It's dark in here!"