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Mayo madness lands
woman in big house

It wasn't long ago we reported here about the woman who went berserk at a Texas McDonald's because she couldn't get mayo on her cheeseburger. Driven to a mayo-fueled rampage, the woman ran over a McDonald's employee in the parking lot, breaking the employee's pelvis.

I just stumbled across a news report saying that the woman was finally convicted of felony assault and sentenced to 10 years in prison. Ten years! Can you believe it? As founder of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club, I can only express outrage that a judge would be so soft on a mayo-related criminal act. Twenty-five to life (with no mayo) would have been real justice.

Although the I Hate Mayo Club is no longer on the Internet, it still lives, fighting the evils of the dreaded white slime. "Mayo-Free Zone" refrigerator magnets, decals and official certificates still are available. E-mail me for details.

Now the news ...

Poodle a poor weapon

PONTIAC, Mich. (AP) >> Prosecutors are seeking a new psychiatric exam for a man accused of swinging a poodle to fend off a sheriff's deputy during a traffic stop.

Girlamo Marinello, 37, was charged with assault with intent to do great bodily harm and animal cruelty after ramming a deputy's car and then swinging a 5-pound poodle on her leash at the officer.

Marinello's attorney claims his client is mentally ill.

(Well, yeah. Everyone knows you've got to be nuts to swing a 5-pound poodle at a deputy sheriff. You swing a 10-pound pit bull at a deputy sheriff. You swing the 5-pound poodle at the paper boy.)

Lake is butt of joke

LAKE STEVENS, Wash. (AP) >> A lake 40 miles northeast of Seattle used to be named Bevis Lake. It now appears on Census Bureau records as "Butthead Lake," causing officials to suspect some joker, or jokers, in the bureau may be watching a little too much MTV.

They suspect an employee, or a couple of employees, changed the name of the lake in honor of the MTV cartoon show "Beavis and Butt-head."

(The jokers shouldn't be hard to find. Just look for two slackers who mumble to themselves, "Butthead Lake ... that's cool.")

Honolulu Lite on Sunday:

A "job fair" is a lot like an episode of the "Antiques Road Show." The guy being interviewed in front of you is carrying a Ming Dynasty vase while you stand in the background holding a box of worthless jelly jars. See a special Honolulu Lite Extra on Sunday describing the fear, loathing and inappropriate dress on display at the recent Honolulu job fair.

Quote Me On This (Department of Bad Behavior):

"I attribute my long and healthy life to the fact that I never touched a cigarette, a drink or a girl until I was 10 years old." -- George Moore

"The true test is not whether a man behaves like a gentleman, but whether he misbehaves like one." -- Sydney Tremayne