Good roughage,
good riddance

Barge Huntley, international artifact collector, was fleeing an eel the size of a Navy submarine that was being ridden by a very large, very beautiful, very brown, very naked woman, and paddling as fast as he could. If he could just get to that rocky point where the water was shallow ...

As fast as he was paddling, his brain was running faster. In his quest to find the bones of Kamehameha the Great -- it would be the greatest archaeological find of a royal tomb since King Tut, and his biggest pay day ever! -- Barge had learned more Hawaiian mythology than most natives know, and he frantically tried now to sort the situation out.

Could this really be Keko'ona, the Molokai chief who came to life as a vengeful 300-foot eel? Could the woman really be Ola, goddess of life? But how could that be? They were just myths! Legends! Folk lore! Weren't they?!

Was it just his imagination, or did she really just holler "Yeee-ha!"?

They were gaining. Barge could smell the eel's hungry breath, realized he wasn't making it to the safety of shallow water. But he was a Texan, and he'd make a stand, just like Davey and those boys at the Alamo. Ooh, bad analogy -- things didn't work out too well for them. Still... He dug his left paddle hard into the water, back-paddling, turning, and suddenly was face to face with, well, this hugely attractive woman astride a scary-as-hell sea monster. "If you are Ola, spare me, o goddess of life!" he cried.

"I'm Ola, OK, but there'll be no sparing your okole today, pardner."

"You're the goddess of life!"

"Ola protects human life, that's true. Right now, though, I'm protecting something bigger -- a way of life."

Suddenly Barge got it! The human who'd been plucked by the eel from a sea cave ... People lived down there !... Protecting the bones of Kamehameha! He was right, and he was so close now!

"You're right, Mr. Huntley, you did get close," Ola the divine mind-reader said. "Closer than anybody in a long time. Too close for your own good, I'm afraid, or for a precious, precarious way of life. Sorry, but ... He's all yours, Chief Keko'ona ... "

With that the great mo'o's jaws lashed out and in the twinkling of a razor tooth slammed shut around Barge Huntley and his yellow kayak.

"Good roughage," Ola said, "good riddance. Your duty is done, Chief Keko'ona, you may return to your Molokai puka now. Thank you."

The eel swallowed, and as Barge rode the kayak down it's giant gullet, his last conscious thought was, How the hell did I get trapped in some twisted Hawaiian folk tale?

With that, Ola dove into the sea, making no splash, and with eyes wide open saw the young Oahu chief Kaneloa sinking unconscious to the bottom, his right hand still clutching the spear.