Warning: This column
could cause silliness

My 16-year-old daughter had apparently committed what I suspected was a major felony by removing the tag from a mattress or pillow and thoughtfully left the evidence lying around to implicate me.

I peered out the window to make sure the Federal Mattress Warning Label Strike Force was not queuing up in my driveway to assault the house while I thought, "Where did I go wrong?" I thought we brought her up right, and now she was started down the criminal road. First detaching mattress warning labels, and then what? Carjacking? Stock manipulation? Maybe this is how Martha Stewart began her criminal career. I'd have to go on the Internet to see what the learning curve for young future incarceratees is.

It was on the Internet where I came across the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch's annual awards for silly consumer warning labels. It seemed appropriate in that I always considered the Nazi-ish mattress warning label some of the silliest warning labels devised.

This year's top Wacky Warning Label, according to the Michigan anti-lawsuit group, was found on a toilet brush. It read: "Do not use for personal hygiene."

While it doesn't carry the power of the federal government behind it like mattress and pillow warnings, it's still a pretty good one.

YOU HAVE TO understand that warning labels, even stupid ones, are there because someone managed to injure themselves or others misusing a product and later sued (and collected from) the manufacturer. So somewhere out there is a guy who apparently attempted to brush his teeth with a toilet brush. I hope he merely tried to brush his teeth. The alternative scenarios for using a toilet brush for personal hygiene are too disturbing to contemplate.

The toilet brush label recalled a warning in Hilo I learned of through a faithful reader. Inside a bathroom at the Hilo Civic Auditorium was a sign that said, "Please Do Not Wash Feet in Urinal."

OK, maybe it's not a warning, per se. But the implication is that bad things can happen when you wash your feet in a urinal, although it doesn't say which entity will suffer the injury.

As a result of silly lawsuits, silly warning labels have become ubiquitous. We have come to expect to be warned that hot things are hot when heated, that pointy objects can poke you and cotton swabs designed to clean ears should not actually be inserted into the ears themselves.

The second-place Michigan prize went to a warning label on a children's scooter that stated the allegedly obvious: "This product moves when used." And third place went to another presumably no-brainer found on a digital thermometer: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

Again, to consider why that warning was legally necessary invites a shudder of revulsion. So does a warning that was attached to a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hand or genitals." Ouch.

In my research, I did come across one warning label that seemed appropriate. Placed on a child's Superman costume, it read, "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

I owned a Superman costume when I was a mere tyke, before warning labels were in vogue. And I recall trying to fly in my Superman outfit, although I started from a fairly low tree limb instead of the roof. Nevertheless, where are the lawyers when you need them?