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Why I’m wary of
swimsuit models

IT was a long, restful, relaxing, refreshing, freezing vacation. I start on that note just in case anyone out there was wondering if I'd been fired.

And now, after having visited my wife's family in Omaha, Neb. (motto: "Our winters are now featuring gray and brown"), I have sufficiently de-frosted enough to hit the computer keyboard once again.

But first, as with the return from any trip, it's time to check in with the mail that has piled up in my absence.

Here's one.

I've received an issue of OT magazine -- "The business and lifestyles guide for professional athletes by professional athletes."

At first I was surprised that someone could mistake me for a professional athlete or former professional athlete. But then I realized this happens to ESPN's Sean Salisbury all the time.

The magazine itself is an eye-opener. There are a lot of ads about speed boats and yachts, jewelry, DirecTV programming in your car, "private luxury at a level you never knew existed," Estate Domestics ("when life requires an extra hand") and publicists -- though you'd think whoever gets this magazine would want to steer clear of the media by now anyway.

The letters to the editor included notes from Joe Montana and Roger Staubach, who congratulated the publishers on the previous issue.

There was a story on OT's top 10 hot spots -- "where to see and be seen in cities coast to coast."

Unfortunately, there weren't any articles on Ricky Williams' "special clear liquid."

But that was not the only thing waiting in the mail. Here are another couple of envelopes. It seems that Sports Illustrated and I are in the midst of a conflict.

They've sent letters that I couldn't quite describe as threatening -- they don't ever say exactly what they plan to do to me -- but I get the distinct impression that Rick Reilly may be coming over with a baseball bat and some cement shoes.

They come from the Billing Center Collection Department and contain several words and phrases emphasized by the use of CAPITAL LETTERS.

You would think they'd be a little more respectful toward a high-roller such as myself, a guy who receives OT magazine and may be looking into "a private island in the British West Indies (where) a fortunate few will build their homes ..."

But no.

It seems for the crime of simply not renewing my subscription (and I checked with the guy at the 800 number to confirm this; I am in the clear), SI has decided to try to strong arm me into another year by pretending that I owe them money.

The letters keep coming, more ominous each time. It's a shame because I really would like to subscribe to the magazine again, but now I refuse. Out of spite.

And now, after this last letter, I'm starting to think I might have to sleep with one eye open. If I mysteriously disappear, check with those goons at SI.

What a way to go.

Legs broken by a free football phone.

Oh, and here's the bill for my Star-Bulletin subscription. I feel good about this one. It's legitimate. Much more polite. I'll pay this one right away. I've got room in the budget.

OT comes free to professional athletes like myself.