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‘Lite’s’ psychic
predictions
for 2005

Today, "Honolulu Lite" presents its annual "Psychic Predictions for the New Year," a feature wildly popular with readers despite its historical 6.4 percent accuracy rate. We feel so sure about our predictions for 2005 that we urge you to "take them to the bank" or whatever institutions are generally used in bankruptcy proceedings.

» The need for both new prisons and landfills will result in the construction in 2005 of a 3,000-bed "Hawaii Department of Corrections and Sanitary Waste Disposal Facility" in Diamond Head Crater. Inmates will be trained in the most modern scientific techniques for burying garbage, using the most scientifically advanced shovels and wheelbarrows.

» Michael Ventura, who was captured after escaping from the Oahu Community Correctional Center, where he had only 90 more days to serve, will be sentenced to an additional five-year prison term. That's not the prediction. That's just the law. The prediction is that he'll take a mandatory course in mathematics so he'll understand the difference between five years and 90 days.

» The state Legislature will pass a law increasing property taxes to 100 percent for foreign investors like Japanese billionaire Genshiro Kawamoto, who run up the cost of housing in the state by buying numerous homes and then evicting local residents living in them.

» Faced with massive public employee strikes, potholes the size of Mililani and traffic jams lasting longer than Noah's flood, incoming Mayor Mufi Hannemann will be seen sometime in February rolling around on the grounds of Honolulu Hale, beating his fists on the ground and screaming, "I demand a recount!"

» Congressman Neil Abercrombie will join the National Guard and request immediate posting to Iraq, explaining, "Well, I accidentally missed Vietnam and Grenada, and, you know, ever since I cut off my ponytail, I've had this urge to shoot guns and stuff."

» Grossly overweight filmmaker Michael Moore will hunt down terror mastermind Osama bin Laden for a new documentary and then "sit on him to death."

» A new advocacy group called "Mothers Against Really Stupid Drivers" will lobby the Legislature for a law forcing anyone caught using a cell phone while driving an automobile to spend 90 days or five years (whichever is longer) in the "Hawaii Department of Corrections and Sanitary Waste Disposal Facility" in Diamond Head Crater.