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Death of a child makes
holidays a time of grief

The weeks that encompass Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas and New Year's Day are often portrayed as the most joyful moments of any given year.

During this time frame, we are inundated with images and words that depict family members and friends blissfully feasting, sharing and worshipping together. The usual day-to-day cares of life seem to vanish or, at the very least, become completely manageable.

For some people, that is an accurate picture. However, for many who've suffered the death of a child, it is not. Let us consider the story of two families who find the holidays an especially difficult time to deal with their grief.

"I hate the holidays," says Randy, a man in his early 40s. "Every year, my wife, Jean, and I pray that the period between Thanksgiving through New Year's Day will rush by. During this time we avoid the mall, newspapers and television. Everyone seems so happy but we are totally depressed. It wasn't always this way. We used to love the Christmas season. All that changed five years ago when our son died."

Randy Jr. died two years after being diagnosed with an inoperable cancerous brain tumor. He was 8 years old.

"I can't remember much about that first Christmas after Randy Jr. died," recalls Randy. "It was late October when he passed away, and Thanksgiving and Christmas that year were a blur. But the last four holiday seasons have just been awful."

Randy says that the responses of well-meaning family members, friends and professionals have added to his and Jean's pain. This was especially true the first year after their son died. "As Thanksgiving and Christmas approached the year after Randy Jr. died," Randy says, "family members, friends and the priest at our church told Jean and me that it was time for us to 'get back in the holiday spirit.'

"My mom said all that we needed to do was 'give each other the greatest gift known to humankind: another child.' And the priest told us that God didn't like His children sad on the day of Jesus' birth. They meant well, but their words caused us to experience not only more grief, but also intense guilt."

The people who have brought the most comfort to them have been Jean's sister Becky and her husband, Tom, who "allow us to be where we are instead of where they think we should be," Randy says. "Each year, they've invited us to join them for dinner on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Their invitations have been offered without guilt or pressure. As a result, we've accepted every year.

"Everyone else acts as though our son never lived," Randy continues. "Especially as Christmas nears. Family members and friends never ask how we're feeling or what's on our minds. They just constantly tell us to be happy because 'God wants us that way especially around Christmas.'

"But Becky and Tom always include our son in the Thanksgiving and Christmas prayers offered for us. Also, they've given us Christmas gifts in memory of Randy Jr. -- a poem Tom wrote one year, a Teddy bear they named Randy Jr. the next. In addition, each year, they've lit a candle in memory of our son. Their care has meant the world to us."

For Karla, a single mother, the holiday season also used to be very joyful. But all this changed three years ago when her 11-year-old daughter Sharon was struck by an automobile driven by a drunken driver. The child died instantly.

"It was March when Sharon was killed," remembers Karla. "I was so busy caring for my other two girls, who were 6 and 4 at the time, that I didn't begin to feel the impact of her loss until shortly before Thanksgiving. As the Christmas season came into bloom, I felt as though the entire world was on my shoulders. December was once the most enjoyable month of the year. Now it's my most dreaded."

Karla says that her daughters have provided the greatest comfort to her, especially during that first holiday season after Sharon died. "My 6-year-old asked, 'Mommy, what are we going to do for Sharon for Christmas?' And my 4-year old said, 'Let's have a Christmas party for Sharon.' Their words still mean more than I can express."

The actions of many people, however, have added to the intense grief Karla continues to experience around the holidays. "My best friend meant well," Karla says, "but every since Sharon died, especially on Thanksgiving Day, she tells me that I should be thankful for the gift of having two healthy daughters. She says: 'Many people can't have children. God has blessed you with two lovely daughters. Be thankful for what you have, not sorry for what you've lost.' It's as though my friend is saying that Sharon's life wasn't important or that the lives of my two other girls can replace Sharon. None of this is helpful to my grief."

The death of a child is devastating. The grief process from this type of loss is among the hardest known to humankind. The major holidays, once cause for a great celebration, now exacerbate the pain of grieving parents.

Family members, friends and professionals can play a vital role in comforting parents during the holiday season. In order to accomplish this goal, we must allow parents to express all that they feel without our unsolicited feedback.

Ask them what they need and want instead of making assumptions. And comfort and love primarily with our silence instead of with our words.

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