Dead doofus

Kaneloa, a young Oahu chief of lowly status, was about to die quite stupidly.

The short-cut through the toxic Tube of Ka-lai-pahoa, the evil sorcery god of Molokai, had poisoned his lungs, making it impossible to breath. He had accepted death as inevitable, and imminent.

Not so eminent, though. Maybe his friend Puka was right back at Bellows when he abandoned the quest of contending for the hand of Princess Tuberosa La'a and called Kaneloa a doofus.

Make that total doofus.

Soon to be dead doofus.

"But it needn't end for you like this, young chief," Ka-lai-pahoa said with a smile that was evil because is was a 180-degree mask that appeared so heartfelt. "I offered you a deal earlier, and again now. I will remove the poison from you if only you will take me to the king's bones."

He was dying stupidly, but at least he would die in service to Kamehameha and the gods. He had that going for him ...

"Never," Kaneloa wheezed, took what he thought was the last eighth of a breath he'd ever suck down, and stumbled...

Into the arms of a very large, very beautiful, very brown, very naked woman...

"Ola, who the hell let you in here?!" Ka-lai-pahoa barked.

The goddess of life picked Kaneloa up in her exquisitely immense arms, shielded him from the swirling green toxic mist that was Ka-lai-pahoa.

"Here," she said, pushing one breast to his mouth. "Suckle ... "

Gasping for breath, the dying Kaneloa tried to say that he wasn't thirsty, for cryin' out loud, he needed air! It came out "K ... ch ... rf ... tk... "

Reaching inside his mouth with a pinky finger the size of a grilled Sheboygan Brat, she cleared his throat of toxic green gunk, breathed into his mouth. "Now, suckle, bebbe. I'm the goddess of life, OK? I got milk, I got air, I got whatever anyone who serves Kamehameha needs."

That was him. He suckled and, ho, pure, cool oxygen!

"Dammit, you can't do this to me, Ola!" Ka-lai-pahoa shouted, the green mist aquiver, anger incarnate. "He's mine! He was about to make a deal!"

"Don't even try telling lies to Ola, you ... you ... flim-flamming fetid funk of fermented flatulence!"

With that she snapped her fingers, and a flame danced from her hand.

Thwick!

Just like that, the green cloud disappeared in a wisp of smoke.

"I'll be back!" Ka-lai-pahoa's snarl echoed off the walls.

"Don't you make me come back down here," Ola said, and then nodding to Kaneloa, "You feel like milk, water, say so."

Coming back to his senses now, Kaneloa looked around. Life had seldom been better.