People appreciate being
treated like they’re special

When others think of whom should be invited to important meetings that will be attended by prominent individuals, socially skilled people top the list.

Some social skills are possessed by a relatively small number of people. One is the ability to make others feel unique and special.

Take the simplest example. A person with this advanced skill is having a conversation with someone at a social gathering. The socially skilled person listens carefully, gives careful thought before responding to the other individual's statements, and seems to forget that there are other guests at the gathering. The individual who is the target of this focus and attention feels special and experiences an increased sense of self-worth because of the conversation.

People demonstrate the opposite of this social skill if they have the reputation for "suffering fools badly." When some people meet others who are not particularly well read on a topic or are unprepared for serious discussions, they may dismiss the others as not worthy of their time. These less socially skilled people are unwilling to endure the unpleasantness of keeping up a conversation with someone who has little to offer.

One of my colleagues and I were recently discussing skills useful in the business world, and he referred to an individual we both know. My colleague said, "Not only does he suffer fools well, he makes the other person feel like the smartest individual in the world. And he does all this in a smooth, gracious manner, and so has a widespread reputation for working well with many different kinds of people."

EARLIER IN MY CAREER, I worked in Washington, D.C. One of my bosses advised me to watch Sen. Edward Kennedy if we were ever at the same reception or political gathering.

"He'll move around the room quickly," my boss said, "but the moment he gives any person is seen as special. Further, all people will feel that if Senator Kennedy only had some more time, then he would have chosen to spend it with them and not with others at the gathering." Judging from the video tapes I have seen, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has this talent for "working a room" and making guests feel special.

This advanced social skill is similar to a talent possessed by some entertainers. When I was a teenager, I traveled to Japan with my parents. We saw an elaborate production of the musical "Hello, Dolly" at one of the large Tokyo theaters. Mary Martin played the lead role. There were more than 2,000 people in the audience, but when she sang I felt all her attention was directed at me. I'm sure others in the audience had the same feeling.

While not everyone can reach the highest level of advanced social skills, everyone can aim for improvement from their current assessments of themselves. Ways of improving social skills will be the topic of next week's column.