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How to make airport
body searches fun

The only way security at airports is going to work is if people actually want to submit to body searches. And the only way that is going to happen is to hire attractive security officers and let passengers pick who they want to do the search.

Speaking for men in general, we are all pigs. And given a choice between having an intrusive pat-down search administered by a 300-pound dude named Rocky or a cute female guard wearing stiletto heels and a badge, well, the pigs are going to choose door No. 2. Not only would they gladly consent to the search, they'd pay extra for it.

And I'm sure a lot of women would much rather submit to a body search by a cabana boy in a sky marshal uniform than a matron who looks like she spent 20 years overseeing Cellblock B at a women's correctional facility.

We all agree that body searches are a necessary aspect of the war on terror, but why not make them a little more enjoyable?

A properly run security operation in which the pre-boarding search is actually the high point of the whole trip could actually cause airlines to make money. Why can't airport security be a little more like Club Buy Me Drinkee than Checkpoint Charlie?

RIGHT NOW, terrorists enjoy seeing passengers complaining about security screening at airports. It makes them feel empowered, like they're having an impact on American life. Think how bummed they'd be if passengers were laughing and high-fiving each other while waiting in line to be searched. They'd say, "What is this? These crazy infidels have turned an inconvenience into something perverted and enjoyable. Is there no decadence to which these depraved people will not sink?" The answer is, Abdul, you can't even imagine.

Now, some people, for personal reasons, would rather be searched by someone of the same sex. Hey, whatever floats their boat. Don't ask, don't tell, but pick a lane and keep moving, buddy.

The only danger of making body searches fun is that people will come back for seconds and thirds. (Excuse me, I think I left a bag in the car. Be right back.)

The way to get around that is simply to have sky marshals/massage therapists on the plane to administer random searches throughout the flight. See, Abdul? I told ya.