Starting over has pitfalls
but also opportunities

IN the previous couple columns, we have noted two things about trust: 1), Without behavioral specification, it is an abstract ideal; and, 2), it is slow to grow and rapid to deteriorate.

While we may wish that our trust was never betrayed, our fallible human natures guarantee that times will come when we need to deal with re-building trust (both as the betrayer and the betrayee!)

Suddenly, like needing to decide whether to hire an admitted felon who has paid his debt for a past crime, trust becomes much more concrete than abstract.

SEVERAL DECADES AGO, one of my sons, who had just received his driver license, failed to fulfill an agreement we had about his use of the family car. He arrived home, considerably later than agreed upon, without any call at all. He violated my trust.

I recall making the mistake of asking, "Why were you late?" The result was a string of rational-sounding explanations I had trouble believing for a very simple reason: It is hard to trust the explanations of someone who has acted in an untrustworthy manner. Shifting to asking "How did it happen?" helped a bit to reduce his defensiveness and my chagrin. The critical shift came when I moved to: "Well, here's what I expect in the future."

I then proceeded to lay out a very clear set of conditions, which included a reiteration of a clear agreement, before leaving the house as to when he'd be home. However, a codicil was added with the requirement that he call home when he was leaving wherever he was, to assure me he'd be able to be home at the agreed upon time.

When he balked, "But that means you don't trust me!" I took a deep breath before responding.

I affirmed that I wanted to trust him, again, and that there was a consequence to his having abused that trust. Specifically, we'd both have to accept that, for a period of time, he'd have to work to regain my trust. Once we agreed on how long the new condition would be in effect, we were able to move forward.

Let me use a medical analogy to explain what I believe we did.

Imagine that a violated trust is like an emotional broken leg. Left to its own devices, a broken leg will heal itself. (Ergo, the old adage that time heals all wounds.) The problem, however, is that it is most likely to heal in a crooked fashion. The body upon whom it relies will suffer long-term negative consequences. Furthermore, if it is decided some time in the future to fix the problem, more pain will have to be endured. The leg may have to be re-broken. Other compensating conditions (e.g., back problems, etc.) may also have to be addressed.

Putting temporary conditions around a violated trust can, therefore, serve as a cast on a broken leg. While awkward and uncomfortable, they serve to enable the emotional consequences of a broken promise to heal. Doing so gives us the opportunity to rebuild what had been lost. But doing so also has the opportunity to build an even stronger foundation of trust.

"How so?" you ask.

WHEN WE ARE confronted with the need to start over with building trust, we are given the opportunity to deepen our understanding of several other abstract ideals that are essential to our efforts to achieve excellence.

Healing a broken relationship enables us to expand and extend the limits of our levels of acceptance, tolerance, forgiveness and humility; of others and ourselves.

And, ultimately, it is qualities like these that will enable us to deal with the trust-busting termites that are a part of all relationships.

Don’t trust
a ‘trust mill’

Offers that sound too good to be true usually are. The unscrupulous try to draw you in and then sell you services that are not appropriate for you. Unfortunately, as with almost any other product or service, there are scam artists that purport to offer estate planning services at a bargain.

These scam artists, often called "trust mills," market estate planning services using scare tactics and bargain-basement prices. They started out selling off-the-shelf revocable living trusts, then branched out. The attorneys general of states all around the country have investigated these operations and closed many down. However, operations seem to pop up even faster than they can be closed.

These trust mills prey on retired people and make their living from bilking seniors of money they worked a lifetime to save. Trust mills often use phone solicitation or public seminars to draw you in. Typically, the speaker at the seminar is not an attorney. Often, the trust mill representative will meet with you in your home to gather your information. The documents are generated and purportedly "reviewed" by an attorney, whom you may never even meet.

What's in it for the trust mill?

Typically, trust mills charge low fees for preparing a cookie-cutter plan that may not consider your individual circumstances and may not even be based on the laws of your state. However, most trust mills are not in business for the money they get from selling a revocable trust or charitable remainder trust or other estate planning documents. Often, they use estate planning as a way of gaining your confidence and learning information about your assets. They use this information to sell you annuities, long-term care insurance, and other insurance or financial products with large commissions.

How do you recognize legitimate services?

Legitimate, quality estate planning services are offered only by an attorney who is licensed to practice in your state. The attorney should focus his or her practice on estate planning and elder law. They may give public seminars in which the attorney provides basic information to the public. Most importantly, the attorney will meet with you to discuss your goals, your family, and your situation. The attorney will draft a document that is tailored to achieve your specific goals.

After you have signed your documents, the attorney or his or her assistant will assist you in "funding" or transferring assets into your trust. If you have questions, either while your plan is being prepared or later, you can call the attorney. While the attorney may enlist the assistance of others, the attorney will oversee of each stage of the process and will be available to answer your questions.

If you think you have encountered a trust mill, ask if the attorney will meet with you and if you can meet at the attorney's office. If the answer is no, immediately report the organization to the state Attorney General's Office.