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A man and his sons struggle
after he leaves an abusive wife
Toddlers Cyrus and Santana Garcia point to everything in the toy catalogue when asked what they want for Christmas. But what they want most is to go home.
"I want our own home, a happy home -- somewhere they can call home instead of telling me, 'Let's go home' when they see pictures of their house in the mainland with a back yard, and their own beds," said Garcia, a 38-year-old man raising his boys in a transitional shelter since August. (They moved back to Oahu from California last November to be closer to family.)
After leaving an abusive relationship, he quit his job in the summer to take care of the boys. It boiled down to choosing "my kids or my job," he said.
The Star-Bulletin's annual Good Neighbor Fund can help Garcia and other families who are down on their luck. Starting today, the Star-Bulletin is working with the Community Clearinghouse (run by Helping Hands Hawaii) to collect donations and requested items until Christmas. Or you can participate in its Adopt-A-Family program.
Garcia said he took his boys from their home on Oahu on Feb. 15 because his wife, addicted to crystal methamphetamine, or "ice," would stay out all night, sleep all day and neglect the children. He said he could no longer tolerate the screaming arguments, verbal abuse, and having pots and pans thrown at him. And it was a bad atmosphere for the boys, Garcia added.
He had to take a lot of time off to make court appearances over custody and attend a domestic-violence workshop. Garcia said he eventually had to quit his "good job" in inventory control with a large distributorship.
They stayed with his friend for a few months while applying for acceptance into the Onemalu Transitional & Emergency Shelter in Kapolei. It took two months for the kids to adjust to their new environment and they kept asking to go home, he said.
"It's hard to explain to kids that they can't go home because it's not safe," he said.
Cyrus, 2, and Santana, 3, regressed to behavior such as bed-wetting, biting and picking on each other. But now they are doing fine, surrounded by the "little family" of staff members and other residents who look out for them -- especially case manager "Auntie" Manu Dela Cruz. Garcia said he can barely find words to describe the support from Dela Cruz. "It's rare you see someone like this," he said.
Dela Cruz said Garcia has been a "father role model" for other residents because he is always watching out for his sons and disciplining them when needed. The boys are "never out of his sight," she said.
Recently, the boys started "climbing into my bed at night, but I don't really mind," Garcia said. "They're like my little teddy bears."
Because Garcia was a victim in an abusive relationship, his counselor required him to attend the domestic-violence workshop, where at first he was embarrassed to be the only man in the group. But the other women realized that he was just as emotionally devastated by his domestic situation as they were by theirs.
"At work, you can't really think because you're worried about what's happening at home," he said of the mental stress.
His experiences as a single parent have given him a new perspective on the plight of single women with kids. "Wow, it's pretty hard, a long road. I have much respect for them. I humble myself to them."
For Christmas, Garcia said his boys could use some clothes, size 5T for both, size 9 and 9-and-a-half in shoes, beach toys, and CDs and/or a CD player. He's also trying to get scholarships for them to attend preschool.