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What to pack for
that trip back home

Many Digital Slobs around the nation are staring sternly at their suitcases this weekend, trying to figure out what mix of electronics, underwear and mood-altering medications they should pack in order to survive a return home this Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, when it comes to packing for Turkey Day, there's no single prescription that will inoculate Slobs against all fallout when nuclear families collide. But here are some tips on what to carry based on common scenarios you're likely to find on the ground:

1) Two middle-aged parents and a teenager: This household should at least have a dial-up modem, perhaps even broadband or a PlayStation. And, given the typical stresses of the modern family, anything in their medicine cabinets should more than cover a Slob's needs.

The problem will be trying to steal away time on any digital device from the teen -- they multitask better than the plate-spinner on "The Ed Sullivan Show." Your best bet is to trigger a domestic dispute that will inevitably return the teen to its natural habitat, the mall. You might feel strange checking sports scores online in a girls' room surrounded by stuffed animals and 1,012 pictures of her junior prom, but it beats waiting for the morning paper.

(What to pack: 30 percent electronics, 20 percent meds, 50 percent underwear).

2) Elderly parents: Fond childhood memories aside, once you remember the TV doesn't go past Channel 13 and the shower's hot water smells like wet pennies, you'll realize you've entered the analog Twilight Zone, where nothing digital makes sense anymore.

Show your mom 4x6 prints made from your new digital camera, and be prepared for a reaction like this:

"But I thought you said you had a digital camera?"

"I do, Mom. These pictures were made with a digital camera."

"Oh, so the digital makes pictures like a normal camera?"

"Well, yeah, but ... um ..."

"So, what's the difference?"

These circular discussions can only be broken up when "Wheel of Fortune" comes back from commercial.

(What to pack: Maps to all Internet cafes within a 100-mile radius, 80 percent meds, 10-20 percent underwear -- depending on how many boxed up in the attic still fit you).

3) "The Waltons" meet "The Brady Bunch": Expect to clock in as the full-time IT professional for an overcrowded house filled with people desperately fighting for fresh air and other basic human needs. Amid all this, a stingy brother-in-law thinks you can modify his old Commodore 64 so his son can play Halo 2; your aunt wants her VCR to only record "General Hospital" when Luke and Laura are on; your uncle needs a retinal scanner security system for his basement workshop, for reasons he refuses to disclose.

(What to pack: 50 percent electronics, 15 percent meds, 30 percent underwear, 5 percent bathroom spray).

With these basic guidelines, and some luck, Slobs might end this holiday thankful for something other than their roundtrip tickets.

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