DENNIS ODA / DODA@STARBULLETIN.COM At Punahou School's administration building, author Rosalind Wiseman displayed her book "Queen Bees and Wannabes," a New York Times best seller about the trials faced by adolescent girls. Wiseman was in town for a series of talks at Punahou last week. The movie "Mean Girls" is based on her book.

Navigating
adolescence

A best-selling author advises
children and parents on how to deal
with cruelty among students

Rosalind Wiseman, whose book inspired the recent hit movie "Mean Girls," says cruelty among students in school lunchrooms and on the Internet shouldn't be dismissed as just part of growing up, because it can have lifelong effects.

Red flags Rosalind Wiseman, author of "Queen Bees & Wannabes," advises parents to beware of: » Cell phones for kids: They can cut you off from your child as easily as connecting you, she said. Kids with cell phones can easily mask their location, and other adults can contact the child without having to go through the parents. » Instant messaging: The Internet magnifies the worst aspects of teen behavior, allowing anonymous, instant dissemination of malicious gossip and doctored images. She advises keeping the computer in the family room and having family members sign an Internet contract on proper use. » WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment): WWE equates masculinity with violence and the subjugation of other people, Wiseman said. Don't let kids tell you it's harmless because it isn't real. Watch it with your kids once and ask them what it is teaching them, before turning it off for good. » Parent popularity: Being a parent isn't a popularity contest. Parents should take malicious behavior seriously and impose real consequences on their kids, even if it means pulling them out of the lead in the play or benching them from the game.

"These are not superficial rites of passage," she said in a recent interview at Punahou School. "This teaches that whoever has power and privilege gets to do whatever they want."

"Mean Girls" spotlights the perils of the social pecking order on campuses, an issue Wiseman examined in her New York Times best seller, "Queen Bees & Wannabes." The movie dramatizes teen life, but the book is a practical, step-by-step guide for parents. Last week, Wiseman offered tips on navigating adolescence in separate talks to students, teachers and parents at Punahou.

Before her book was published two years ago, Wiseman had worked quietly as president of the Empower Program, a nonprofit she co-founded in Washington, D.C., that helps students stem the "culture of violence." Now the 35-year-old mother of two is in such demand that it took Punahou's Parent Faculty Association a year to get her here.

"She knows a lot about how things work with kids," said sixth-grader Chad Kamisugi after his class spent a lively hour with her, uncovering the unwritten rules of their social lives. "She knows about what kids think, not just on the outside, but on the inside."

Drawing on a decade of listening to the inner lives of thousands of adolescents, Wiseman paints an ominous picture of "Boy World" and "Girl World," where teens enforce the rules of a sometimes vicious culture.

Desperate to fit in and conform to an unattainable image of feminine beauty, many girls cluster in cliques led by dictatorial "Queen Bees" who offer them protection while tormenting others. Meanwhile, boys are just as fearful of having their masculinity questioned and don't know how to stop their peers who step over the line into violence.

The advent of the Internet and relentless media images, from Victoria's Secret to World Wrestling Entertainment, have only exacerbated the stresses of teen life, according to Wiseman. Cyberspace allows instant, anonymous dissemination of malicious gossip, altered photos and other deceit.

"It takes all of this mean, cruel girl world and just blows it up," Wiseman said. "You would be amazed at the creative things kids do on the Internet to really destroy each other."

Both students and parents need to take a strong stand against such behavior rather than just shrugging it off as teen drama, she said.

"What you learn on the playground has consequences for the rest of your life," Wiseman said. "It's not just 'That girl's being mean.' It's about what do you learn to do when someone treats you badly. Do you have the right to speak out?"

She adds, "What we teach our children about how we respond very much impacts how they're going to interact in the boardroom or on the street, for example, or in intimate relationships."

Wiseman came to the issue the hard way. She grew up in a loving family, attended good schools and competed in sports. But like many girls, she craved validation from her peers. So she landed a boyfriend who gave her social status. To everyone else he seemed perfect, but in private he abused her, and she had no idea how to handle it.

Her goal now is to help adolescents move from quiet acceptance of behavior they know is wrong into effective action. Disarming and down to earth, Wiseman seemed to be getting her message across at Punahou.

"I learned that loyalty doesn't mean you'll back your friends up no matter what," said Kamisugi, a sturdily built 11-year-old. "If they're doing something bad, you should get the courage to stand up and tell them, 'That's not like you, so don't do it.'"

Wiseman's book helps parents see the world through their daughter's eyes. She offers strategies to help, whether their child is a "Queen Bee" or "Wannabe," a "Torn Bystander" or a "Banker," trading on confidential information. And she spells out how to talk to teens without triggering a roll of their eyes.

But first she asks parents to "check their own baggage." As Punahou parents crowded the president's pavilion to hear her, Wiseman gently turned the focus on them, likening their status-conscious cars to the social competition that can embroil their children.

"She gets it, she really gets it," said parent Laurel Schuster after the luncheon. "A lot of children's problems come from our own baggage that we bring into parenting. The biggest problem with parenting in America is wanting to be the most popular person."

For her next book, Wiseman is using the same lens she focused on boys and girls to zoom in on how parents treat other parents.