Speaking of animals
with good taste

For some reason the folks at the Hawaiian Humane Society have asked me to speak at their annual meeting this week. I say, "for some reason" because it has been alleged that I'm not the most sensitive guy when it comes to writing or talking about animals. And I have to admit, I probably get more angry mail following columns featuring animals than on any less controversial subjects, such as the death penalty. You can make jokes about the death penalty all day (hence the term, "gallows humor") and nobody cares. But, man, make a crack about kitten juggling or puppy soccer and the animal rights people are on you like orange sauce on a duck.

So I've been trying to find some cute and harmless animal stories to tell at the Humane Society soiree, but they are hard to come by. We did have the sweet story about the kitten who recently went from California to Hawaii in a Matson container. Somehow she survived more than 10 days, which is great. Except that her four siblings didn't fare so well. I'm not suggesting a "Donner Party" scenario here but, you know, when one kitty makes it and three others don't, you have to wonder. See? That's exactly the kind of thing I can't say at the Humane Society gathering.

Then there is the story about a turtle falling out of a Hong Kong apartment building and landing 10 floors below on Mr. Tong's taxi. Turtles in Hong Kong are believed to be good luck, until they become deadly projectiles. This turtle miraculously survived the fall because, you know, they always land on their feet. Or maybe they don't. In any case, Mr. Tong was upset with the dent left in the hood of his car. All in all, it's a cute story and sort of has a happy ending.

I was thinking of relating the story about the wallaby that has been spotted in Cardiff. At least the people of Cardiff think it's a wallaby. It's got big ears and hops. So its either a small kangaroo or a large rat. But I don't think I can tell this story because I'm not even sure where Cardiff is, or, for that mater, what a wallaby is, exactly.

For pure heartwarming, you can't beat the story about the moose in Alaska that got strung up on some power lines.

Apparently, the moose was walking by and got his antlers tangled in a power line that was about to be erected. (The fact that it made the news seems to indicate this is a fairly rare occurrence.) Workers some distance away pulled the line tight, not knowing the moose was attached. They later found him hanging by his antlers 50 feet in the air. The moose was unhurt but presumably a little embarrassed. And he had a heck of a story to tell his buddies when he got back to the herd. ("Dude, I was IN the air!")

I wonder if the Humane Society crowd would consider it bad taste to talk about mooses hanging in power lines. I mean, there aren't any privacy rights involved, right? And it's not like the workers ate him.