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Good son tends garden
from prison

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A Maui reader shares the following allegedly true story: An elderly Wailuku man wrote to his son in prison complaining that he was too old to spade his garden.

"I'm feeling bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. If you were here, my troubles would be over."

The son wrote back: "Dear Papa, don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried all my drugs and money."

A few days later, some sheriff's deputies showed up and dug up the garden looking for the loot. Finding nothing, they apologized and left.

The son then wrote another note: "Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant your garden now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances."

Now the news ...

Mural is jest redikuluz

LIVERMORE, Calif. » It didn't take a nuclear physicist to realize something was amiss when the $40,000 ceramic mural was unveiled outside the city's new library contained the misspelled names of Einstein, Shakespeare, Vincent Van Gogh and other historical figures.

The City Council has agreed to pay $6,000 to fly the artist in from Florida to fix the mistakes.

The artist, Maria Alquilar, offered no apologies. "The importance of this work is that it is supposed to unite people," Alquilar said.

(It worked. The people of Livermore are united in thinking that the artist is an idiot.)

Dr. Weirdo sets up shop

DALLAS » A man was arrested for posing as a doctor and offering free gynecological services out of an office in a self-storage complex.

Thomas Patrick Remo, 50, was arrested after an undercover female officer posed as a patient.

Three women who reported their visits to the fake doc to police were reluctant to discuss details of their visit.

(Rule No. 1: Never take off your pants for free.)

Gas leak comes to head

SALT LAKE CITY » Not all gas is good for toilets.

A man who noticed gasoline leaking from his car, caught the gas and dumped it down his toilet. A water heater pilot light ignited the gas, causing an explosion that blew up the toilet and set the apartment on fire. The man and three others had to flee for their lives.

Officials later said gas should never be poured into a drain or toilet.

(Yeah, NOW you tell me.)

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'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday: The 2005 Farmers' Almanac has come out, and once again Hawaii is left out. All kinds of information is given for mainland farmers, but it says nothing about when to expect frost in Hawaii or what day of the year is good for planting turnips and beets in the islands. Read Honolulu Lite on Sunday to hear what the editor said when I complained.

Quote Me on This (Department of God):

"What do people say when God sneezes?" -- Henny Youngman

"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends." -- Woody Allen

"Plenty well, no pray. Big bellyache, heap God." -- Geronimo

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