President pool filled
with strange brew

It's kind of a shame that Larry J. "Scooterball" Schuetter wasn't invited to the presidential debates. As the sole candidate from the "Turtle Party," I'd like to have heard his position on non-turtle related issues such as Iraq.

But only two candidates (Bush and Kerry) are invited to the debates, leaving out not only the most famous "third party" candidate, Ralph Nader, but the nearly 75 other "third party" presidential candidates.

The mainstream media refuses to cover the other political parties. The deepest they'll go is to mention the Green Party and the Libertarian Party, which are hardly fringe parties compared to others like the Prohibition Party, Good Party, United Facist Union Party, Party-X Party, Human Being Party, Unknown Party, Mike's Party, Menorah-Thor Party and the above-mentioned Turtle Party.

These are all real parties with real candidates.

For instance, there is HRM Caesar St. Augustine De Buonaparte running for president as a Good Party nominee. He claims to be emperor of the United States and in his photo on the "Project Vote Smart" Web site (vote-smart.org) he's wearing an outfit that makes him look like a cross between Liberace and Big Bird.

Then there is Michael W. "Mike" Bay of the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party, who's platform is "a pet bed in every dog house."

Max Englerius of the American Tradition Party is running on the idea that we must identify the "good" and "bad" people in the country to assure "our proper destiny of becoming protector and benefactor of the Universe, rather than a mugger and marauder species." To that end he not surprisingly supports the right to carry concealed weapons.

Candidate Ronald E. "John Galt Jr." Gascon perhaps should have thought of shortening his name before becoming a "write-in" candidate. He lists his favorite book as "cheesecake" and favorite food as "Walden Two," although I might have got them confused.

Melanie G. Pridgen assures that the Unknown Party will remain unknown since, as its candidate, she lists absolutely no positions on anything or any info other than her name and address.

United Facist Union candidate Jackson Kirk Grimes lists his religion as "pagan" and, coincidentally, his pet as "Little Boo --now deceased."

Earl F. Dodge of the Prohibition Party not only is against the legalization of alcohol, but wants tougher penalties for drugs like "heroin, cocaine and LSSD." I'm not sure what LSSD is but it sounds like a bad trip.

We don't have room to list all the other candidates running for president this year, but you should know that there are many more extravagant and diverse choices than the Yale Twins, Georgie and Johnny. Of course, since the election is over and all the candidates are in their jammies by the time we vote in Hawaii, it hardly matters anyway. Sorry, Scooterball.