Swaziland pal makes
offer hard to refuse

I have a new pen pal, from Swaziland of all places, who is going to make both of us rich as soon as I help him sneak $16.5 million out of Iraq.

Those of you with regular old 9-to-5 jobs probably would be skeptical of forging a financial relationship with a complete stranger. But that's because you live a boring old life and you're just jealous that a dashing, global guy like me hobnobs with exotic figures involved in international intrigue.

I have to admit that I was a bit surprised to get an e-mail from Rubin Scott of Swaziland seeking partnership in a profitable enterprise, mainly because I thought people from Swaziland had names like Mnflmbe or Hlblsdmq. Rubin says, "I found your contact particulars in an address journal," so that cleared up the mystery of how he chose me for this enterprise.

Rubin's in a bad way. He says he is working in Iraq with an "international organisation." That proves John Kerry is wrong when he says the U.S. invaded Iraq unilaterally. We've got partners like Swaziland. And you have to admire Swaziland for joining the coalition, considering its standing army consists of four men and two goats.

Rubin says he and some other fellas found millions of dollars "in barrels with piles of weapons and ammunitions near one of Saddam's old palaces during a rescue operation. It was agreed by all party present that the money be shared amongst us," he says. "This was quite an illegal thing to do, but I tell you what, no compensation can make up for the risks we have taken in this hell hole." You go, boy!

THE PROBLEM NOW that Rubin has gotten his cut of the loot is, he needs help getting the $16.5 million out of the Iraq. That's where I come in. All I've got to do is let him deposit the money in my bank account, and we're both in the clover.

Now, I've heard that there are scams where guys e-mail you from Nigeria asking for your help in spiriting millions of nonexistent dollars out of their country. But Rubin is obviously legit because he's from Swaziland, not Nigeria, and he's in Iraq, fighting or, at least, looting, shoulder to shoulder with coalition forces.

So I'm going to write back to Rubin and give him my bank account number and other private information so that at least a chunk of Saddam Hussein's ill-gotten gains can be used for a worthy cause. The worthy cause I have in mind is a nice plantation in Swaziland, which I understand is charming this time of year.

Honestly, I didn't even know there was a Swaziland until I heard from Rubin. But it's a country smaller than New Jersey with towns called Mhlume and Nhlangano and, strangely, Big Bend. (You'd think it would be called Lmgbig Hznbend.) Swaziland's biggest natural resource is asbestos. How unlucky is that?

Once Rubin and I start spreading our Saddam dough around Swaziland, it will become the pearl of the African subcontinent, or my name isn't Lmgncharley.