10 simple things you
can do to survive
‘home improvement’

A wicked conspiracy sweeps the land. It is called -- laughingly -- "home improvement." (The "laughingly" part applying to the "improvement" part.) As far as I can tell, this conspiracy is fostered by the makers of dangerous implements and equipment allegedly to be used to improve your house and grounds.

My attempts at using these implements during a span of roughly 30 years of domicile ownership has not resulted in "home improvement," but in "home impalement," "home near-dismemberment," "home imperilment," "home concussionment" and "home subdural hematomament." Which is to say that the homes suffered little improvement while I suffered a great deal.

The list of injuries I've suffered while working on my house would make Bob Vila cry, or at least start pushing a line of Sears Craftsman bandages, splints and tourniquets.

I blame no one but myself. I can trace all of the mishaps to poor choice of tools and an amazing lack of imagination as to the maiming power of something as seemingly benign as a socket wrench. I like to think of myself as innovative rather than stupid, although it's a fine line. I believe I'm the only person in Hawaii to install a garage door opener using a jackhammer and chain saw. (True story.)

What I want to do here is use my experiences to help other misguided souls who think they have the ability to engage in "home improvement." And so I offer "Ten Simple Things You Can Do to Survive Home Improvement" (based on actual incidents and backed up with medical records, 911 phone transcripts and affidavits of lawyers specializing in limited-liability legal cases).

>> Rule No. 1: "Weekend warriors" hoping to engage in home improvement should take the following steps: Make sure all electrical and mechanical equipment is in good working order; read all accompanying instructions; carefully check whatever safety equipment is specified in the instructions; open refrigerator door carefully and remove and open an ice-cold beer; sit in your comfy chair in front of a TV set; and call a professional to do the work. (If you chose to ignore Rule No. 1, continue at your own peril.)

>> Rule No. 2: Always wear sturdy work shoes. (Example: When I was building my first desk, I walked out into the back yard the first day of construction wearing flip-flops, accidentally kicked a stack of lumber and tore off two toenails. Construction was delayed for five weeks.)

>> Rule No. 3: Be aware of your surroundings. (Example: I was trimming a bush, and when I backed up to view my handiwork, I stepped off a street curb, fell on my okole and broke my tailbone. Doctors surprisingly can do nothing for a broken tailbone. Yard work delayed for seven weeks.)

>> Rule No. 4: Never open a can of paint with an old, rusted screwdriver. (I know, this seems like a no-brainer, but some idiots will take short cuts. My shortcut resulted in the screwdriver being driven into my hand and a short trip to the emergency clinic at the mall, or, as aficionados of home improvement like to call it, Doc in the Box. Painting delayed indefinitely.)

>> Rule No. 5: Stay up to date on your tetanus shots. (Example: See Rule No. 4.)

>> Rule No. 6: Never use an electric circular saw to trim yard plants. (Example: Hey, the saw was there, and I thought it would speed things up. Unfortunately, the power cord was camouflaged by the leafy branches, and I cut through it with the saw. Luckily, it was a clean cut and I avoided electrocution.)

>> Rule No. 7: Never use a chain saw to install a garage door opener. (Example: With the cord to my circular saw severed, I decided to use the chain saw to cut a notch in a garage beam so that the garage door track would fit. It's amazing how sharp those little chain saws are. Almost cut the beam in half, but the house, surprisingly, did not collapse.

>> Rule No. 8: Use both hands when operating a chain saw. (Example: While wielding an electric chain saw one-handed like a pirate dueling on the fo'c'sle of a ship, I missed the particular tree branch I was aiming at -- avast, matey! -- and touched the palm of my other hand ever so slightly with the whirling chain saw blades. Amazingly, they left just a slight mark, like a tiny train track ironically bordering what palm readers would call the "life line." This is what is referred to in home improvement circles as "a close call.")

>> Rule No. 9: For electrical projects, use bonded professionals. (Example: First off, even I'm not dumb enough to try to fool with electricity. But I did try to cut costs by letting a father-son freelance team install some outdoor lighting. They tapped into a switch box in the garage and ran the wiring out to the driveway. The wires later made contact with the metal garage door tracks. I thought I felt a little shock when I touched the garage door. Just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating, I had my wife touch the door to confirm it was electrified.)

>> Rule No. 10: Never ask your spouse to touch something you think is electrified.

So there you go. That's really just 10 of what are many, many rules I could give you. (I believe a hammer once fell off the roof and knocked me unconscious, but since there were no witnesses, I can't prove it. My wife thought I was loafing off behind the house for an hour. Lesson: Use hammers made from Nerf material.)

The main thing to ask yourself before you embark on home improvement is, Does the home REALLY need improvement? Most homes are just fine the way they are. Remember this: Home improvement is no laughing matter, and the "Doc in the Box" can sometimes seem far, far away.